我好高兴你挑了这件婚纱 l'm so happy you picked this dress, Veruca!
1988年 长岛
- 你好美 - 对吧？ -You look beautiful. -Doesn't she?
天哪，我要结婚了！ You guys, l'm getting married! l'm getting married!
还没罩上头纱就不算，头纱呢？ Not without your veil, you're not.
我把它忘在楼上了 -Where is that bad boy? -Oh, l think l left it upstairs.
不用担心，我去拿 Don't worry. l'll get it,
嫂子 sis.
她好讨人厌 She is so annoying.
还丑爆了 And so ugly.
她活像恐龙妹 She looks like Karl Malden.
我知，可是她就快当我小姑了 l know, and she's gonna be my sister-in-law in an hour!
你怎么受得了啊？ How are you gonna deal with that?
我会跟丹尼说清楚 l'm Just gonna lay down the law for Danny.
我们会尽量少跟他的蠢家人碰头 We're seeing his goofy family as little as possible.
你确定他会同意？ You sure he's gonna go along with that?
他不会对我说不 相信我，我把他训练的很好 Danny doesn't say no to me. Believe me, l have him well-trained.
快说，你昨晚跟艾瑞克怎么过的？ So, tell us, what happened with Eric last night?
我跟他说，他如果想阻止婚礼 So, l told him if he wanted to stop the wedding,
就马上出声，否则永远闭嘴 he had to speak now or forever hold his peace.
他怎么说？ And what'd he say?
他说他是浪子，我还是该嫁丹尼 He said he's never gonna settle down, and l should Just go ahead and marry Danny.
他有没有给你来一发啊？ Did he give you a wedding present, huh?
- 你好色！ - 是啊 -You're so horny! -Yeah.
算临别赠礼 l guess you could call it that.
你好坏！ You're so bad!
这是最后一次了，我发誓 lt's the last time, l swear.
是哦，才怪 Yeah, right!
丹尼体贴又温柔 他也快成为心脏专科医师了 Danny is so sweet and considerate. And he's gonna be a cardiologist.
所以我要嫁给他 还有他脸上那根大黄瓜 So, l'm marrying him and that zucchini in the middle of his face.
他父母也很恶心 His parents are disgusting, too!
他在你上面时记得闭上眼睛 Close your eyes when he's on top!
大腿也要夹紧 And your thighs!
表哥，对不起 Cuz, l'm so sorry.
噢，好痛 YikeS, that hurt.
那是我，丹尼马戈毕 20年前的我，很可悲吧？ That waS me, Danny Maccabee, 20 yearS ago. Pathetic, huh?
在我用酒精麻痹悲伤的心情时 So, I'm halfway done boozing away my SorrowS,
却发生了一件很有趣的事 when Something pretty intereSting happened.
小姐，你超性感火辣的 Oh, baby, you're like a Pop Tart, hot and sweet!
妈呀！ Hey, mami!
你在乐团里是吹喇叭的吗？ 你让我硬起来啦！ You must play the trumpet or something, 'cause you're making me feel all horny and stuff!
你钱包掉了 You dropped your purse.
能不能让我安静的坐一下？谢谢 Can l Just sit for 10 seconds and not get hit on? Thank you.
我只是要告诉你，你钱包掉了 l was Just letting you know you dropped your purse.
- 对不起，我以为... - 没关系 -l'm sorry. l thought... -That's fine, that's fine.
我相信套住你的女士和你 绝不是在这种地方认识的 l'm sure you didn't meet the lady who gave you that ring in a meat market like this.
学校餐厅 School cafeteria.
你结婚多久了？ How long you been married?
我本来想告诉她事实真相 I waS gonna tell her, I really waS.
可是我不希望她知道我那么狼狈 所以我稍微编了一下故事 But I didn't want her to know what a loSer I waS, So I Stretched the truth a little.
六年 Six years.
你老婆今晚在哪？ Where's your wife tonight?
我已经很久没问这个问题了 l stopped asking that question a long time ago.
真是糟糕 -That's terrible.
我老婆都说我太努力工作 -My wife says l work too much.
我只想努力供她血拼 Trying to provide for her, her shopping addiction,
还有毒品 and crack.
干嘛不干脆跟她分手？ Why don't you Just leave her?
为了孩子 The children.
14个孩子 All 1 4 of them.
我喜欢领养 我也不想只领养 l Just, l like to adopt, and l don't wanna stop doing that.
你好可怜 You poor guy.
要不要离开这里？ You wanna get outta here?
我因此发现了婚戒的力量 And So I diScovered the power of the wedding ring.
我蒙羞的象征却成了纵横情场的利器 The Symbol of my humiliation had become a tool to get back on the horSe.
不会吧？这个芭乐鼻？ Are you kidding me? Snuffleupagus!
我从心脏科转到整型外科 I Switched my Specialty from cardiology to plaStic Surgery,
整掉了芭乐鼻 got rid of the big honker,
洛杉矶加大酒吧，1992年
婚戒也成了我的标准配备 and the ring became my thing.
我以为我们结婚后，她就不会再接客 l Just assumed after we got married she'd stop hooking, but...
你用真心就该换到真情 You need to put this wedding band on a true heart.
说的太好了 This is a good moment.
来去别的地方“更深入”的聊聊吧？ Yeah. Should we go make it last, for a while, somewhere?
走吧，去你房里 Okay, let's go. To your dorm.
我想过要把戒指扔进海里 SometimeS I think about throwing the ring into the ocean.
比佛利山，2011年
我知道这不对，可是我扔不掉 I know how wrong it iS. But I can't.
这是我的宝贝 It'S my PreciouS.
何况，假装已婚是我能确保 BeSideS, being fake married iS the perfect way to make Sure
我不会再心碎的最好方法 I never get my heart broken again.
“昨晚很赞 多谢你没像我老婆一样动粗”
比佛利山医疗中心
这是什么鬼？ What are these?
垫奶子用的 Boobie bags.
女人把它们塞进胸前的停机坪 The women, they stick them in their flat chesties,
垫出大奶霸 make them big.
我订的不是这种 These are not the boobie bags that l ordered.
里面好像灌了焦糖，这是什么鬼 What is that? lt's like a syrup dispenser at an lHOP. l don't know what that is.
这些根本没这种触感 Come on. These, they don't feel like these.
你当真？ No... Seriously?
我只是想学习 l Just trying to learn.
马戈毕医师不会接受这种糖浆袋 Listen, Dr. Maccabee would never accept subpar boobs.
你照订单给我 Would you please Just get me what l ordered
跟欧马说是你们搞错，我要折扣 and tell Omar that l would like a discount for the inconvenience?
谢了，赛门 -Yes, ma'am. -Thank you, Simon.
- 四点的客人来了？ - 来了 -My 4:00 here? -Yeah.
一号诊疗室，蔻丝布兰，别笑出来 Room one, Kirsten Brant. Don't laugh.
我动了一次整型手术 Well, l... l had bad plastic surgery.
我早该知道这医师很烂 他的医院就像仓库 Should've known this doctor was a quack. His office was in, like, a warehouse.
我明白 l see, l see.
有问题吗？ Questions?
没有，请帮帮我，医师 No, no. Just, please help me, Doctor.
当然，通常越早选回来越好，不过... Absolutely. lt's usually easier to do these things right the first time, but...
你有疑问？ What? You seem dubious.
完全没有，我听说你是最棒的 Oh, no, not at all. l mean, l hear you're the best, Dr. Maccabee.
那我不敢说 不过我想我可以想办法修补一下 l don't know about that, but l think we can figure something out here.
放轻松 Relax, relax.
你放轻松就这样？ That's relaxed?
来，我先把它拉下来 Here, let me Just pull it down for a sec.
然后放手，马上就弹回去了 And l let go. Okay, shoots right back up there.
很抱歉 -l'm sorry.
抱歉什么？ -Sorry about what?
天哪！ 真的马上就弹回去了 Oh, my God! lt's Just... That Just really went right up there.
太高了，小心会跟头发连在一起 That was high. You gotta watch that. lt's gonna get caught in your hair.
也许我该继续保持这样 l don't know, maybe l should Just keep it like this.
大家看到我都很开心 lt seems to make other people happy.
说真的，你能来参加我孩子的生日晚会吗？ No. But, seriously, are you available for my kid's birthday party?
- 你太过份了 - 对不起！ -That's too much. -l'm sorry!
让我抱一下，我们会选好的 Let me give you a hug. That's what you need first. We'll fix this.
天哪！ 我要失陪一下了 很抱歉 Oh, God! Okay, l gotta... l'm gonna excuse myself. l'm sorry.
叮咚！ Ding-dong!
艾迪来了 -Eddie's here.
我的好表弟 -Hey. My cousin.
我的妈呀 Oh, my gosh.
眉毛失控了，我喜欢 Brows gone wild over here. l'm actually digging it.
你待会有事吗？ And what are you doing later?
抱歉，只要不是你，我谁都行 -Oh, sorry, l'm kind of seeing anybody else.
看吧 -There you go.
好伤 Oh, browch.
天哪 My gosh.
不管你的伴是谁 Look, l don't know who you're seeing, but whoever they are,
他们绝对没有我大条，你懂吧？ they don't have what this guy's got down there, you know what l mean?
好了，艾迪 All right, Eddie.
是很大条没错，我装的 Yeah, it's a very good one. l should know, l installed it.
你做了阴茎扩大术？ You had a penile enlargement?
对 Yes.
真有人会做这个？太搞笑了吧！ People really do that? That is hilarious!
28号见了，马戈毕医师 See you on the 28th, Dr. Maccabee!
你干嘛告诉所有人我动过手术？ Dude, why are you telling everybody about my surgery?
这事就我知道？凯瑟琳也知啊 Am l hiding the secrets around here? You don't think Katherine knows about this?
我动手术时她也在，她帮忙拿放大镜 Katherine was in the room when l did that. She held the magnifying glass.
还有小镊子 l did. And the tweezer.
太好了 Real nice.
你有机会试用过了？ Did you get a chance to try it out yet?
有，已经开过光了，我说的是实话 Yeah. l've banged it up. lt's got a couple dents. l'm not gonna lie.
真的？ -Yeah. -You did?
不是跟真人，是跟我做的人偶 Not from a human. lt's got... From this doll l made.
天王 Hey, Adon. Yo, yo.
丹尼，真高兴你来了 Danny! l am so happy you could be here!
- 你好吗？ - 你有带肉毒杆辇菌来吗？ -How are you, baby? -Did you bring any Botox?
没有，不过我带了我表弟艾迪来 l didn't bring the Botox. l brought my cousin, Eddie.
幸会了，艾迪 Nice to meet you, Eddie.
- 这是万圣节晚会吗？ - 你是在说笑吗？ -ls this a Halloween party? -Are you kidding me right now?
你又整了一些地方啊？ You got a little more work done, huh?
一点点，只是修一下，维持外型 Yeah, Just a little bit, Just tweaking, tweaking. Maintenance, maintenance.
我只是想保持身价 l Just wanna stay in the game, Danny.
我不想变成万人迷，有人迷就好 l don't wanna hit home runs, Just some singles. That's all.
别再整了，你脸上还有感觉吗？ You gotta stop, though, l'm telling you. Do you have any feeling in your face?
只有这一点还有 眉毛以下没知觉，啥都没有 Just in this one spot right here. And then from the eyebrows down, dead, dead.
警报器响了吗？ ls that a car alarm?
- 他在笑 - 对不起 -He's laughing, he's laughing. -Oh, okay.
我想找你表哥丹尼整，可是他拒绝我 l wanted to go to your cousin Danny here, but he refused to do any work.
他不想动手修别人的作品 He didn't wanna put his fingers in the pie.
这越来越危险了，整成这样 lt was getting dangerous. This amount...
你要慢慢来 You gotta slow it down.
看到没？不该变成这样的 Okay, see? That shouldn't be happening right now.
天王！ 天王！ Adon! Adon, Adon, Adon!
艾利跌破膝盖了，伤口好深 Ariel cut open his knee. lt looks awful.
别紧张，你要我怎么做？ What happened? Settle, settle. What do you expect me to do about it?
他在流血 -lt's bleeding. -You know what? l could stitch him up.
我能帮他缝合伤口，去拿我的医药箱 -Why don't you go get me my bag? -All right.
你在楼梯上跌倒？ So, you fell down the stairs, huh?
对 Yeah.
被什么绊倒的？地上有滑板？ Did you trip over something? Was there a skateboard there, or...
不是，是我分心了 No, l was distracted by something.
是什么让你分心？ What distracted you?
一个正妹 A girl.
正妹啊，是你妈？ A girl, okay. Was it your mother?
才不咧！ No!
她很正啊 那是你后母，我明白啦 'Cause she Just looks good. That's your stepmom. l can talk like that.
好了，这是麻醉药，别去想它 All right. This is lidocaine. Don't think about it.
别想它，想想你的脸，很好 Don't think about it. Think about your face. Good, good.
金发？棕发？红发？ Blonde, brunette, redhead?
金发、 古铜色肌肤、 高挑健美 Blonde, tan, tall, rocking body.
波霸 Nipples.
你小弟要打麻醉吗？ 它好像挺起来了 Want me to numb something else for you? You're getting a little nutty over there.
不用，我没事 No! No, l'm good. l'm good.
我没死！ 我没死耶！ l'm alive! l'm alive, everybody!
干的好，医师，你有够赞 Good Job, Doctor. That was really nice.
我猜你就是分心女神 The distraction, l'm guessing.
什么？ -The what?
那孩子因为分心，所以才摔伤 -The boy was distracted. That's why he fell.
所以我活该被骂了 So, l'm taking the rap for this.
对，是你的火辣让他跌倒的 Yes. Your hotness basically pushed him down the stairs.
祝你打赢官司，臭屁鬼 Good luck proving that in court, Wisengruber.
臭屁鬼？现在数字周刊都写这些吗？ Wisengruber? ls that what they're saying on the GoSSip Girl nowadays?
我就知道你们会找到对方 l knew you two would eventually find each other!
小心点，帕玛 这些整型医师都很厉害的 But be careful, Palmer, these plastic surgeons, they really know how to operate.
好了啦，天王，好了啦 Yeah, all right, Adon. All right.
我真不懂干嘛要整型 看起来不是很假吗？ l Just don't know about plastic surgery. l mean, doesn't it always look so fake?
要看动手的是谁，我可是行家 Depends who's doing it. l'm pretty good at it. l'm telling you.
- 我有些客人今晚也有来 - 真的？ -Some of my patients are here tonight. -Oh, really?
真的 你看看这里有没有人有自然美 Really, really. Look around, see if you can find someone decent-looking.
她呢？ How 'bout her?
“大白鲨”里的受害人？ The lady from Saw?
好吧，谁是你整的？ Fine. Who did you do?
我不想出卖他 不过你看那边那位 All right. l hate to rat the guy out, but see that guy over there?
你是说那个俏臀猛男？ You mean Sexy Ass?
- 在我整好之前，他是垂臀衰男 - 真的？ -Before l met him, he was No Buns Bobby. -Really?
- 他那时的背部曲线是一直线 - 不会吧 -His back went straight to his legs. -No kidding.
他上厕所会直接滑进马桶 He'd go to the bathroom, he'd slide right in the toilet.
我懂，这很浪漫吧？ l know, l know, that's really romantic, isn't it?
北卡小姐，你来洛杉矶多久了？ So, North Carolina, how long have you lived here in LA?
已经快两年了 l've been here almost two years.
那你应该试过不少镜了 That's a lot of auditioning for you.
- 你以为我是演员？ - 我打包票你一定是演员 -You think l'm an actress? -l guarantee you're an actress.
错了，医师，我是小学数学老师 Well, guess again, Doc. l teach sixth grade math.
北卡没小学可以教书吗？ They got no schools in North Carolina to teach at?
我父母离异 My parents divorced.
在我国中的时候，他们吵的很凶 Had a pretty nasty one, actually, when l was in the eighth grade.
我不想再选边站了 And... l don't know. l got tired of picking sides, so...
我想改变，就搬到洛杉矶 l thought l'd make a change and, yeah, move out to LA.
你来对地方了，洛杉矶没人离婚 You came to the right place. No one gets divorced in LA.
我没跟你这年纪的女生交往过 这个好 l've never hung out with a girl your age. This is nice.
不，你一开始就骗我 Oh, no. Your first lie to me.
你真行，好吧 You're good. All right.
我不曾跟你这年纪的女生交往 l've never hung out with a girl your age and
还像现在这么有话聊 connected the way we are right now.
其实我想任何一个年纪的都没有 Actually, l've never connected with, l don't think any girl at any age.
我分辨得出你是说谎还是说实话 See? l can tell when you're lying and when you're telling the truth.
是啊，后面的是实话 Yeah. The second thing l said was the truth.
我知道 l know.
天哪，这是我这辈子最美好的一晚 Oh, my God. That was the greatest night of my life.
是啊，感觉好像会是... Yeah. This feels like it could be...
一段真感情 l don't know, a real thing.
我也这么想 lt's a thing all right, Palmer.
我得去工作了 Well, l have to get to work,
不过你留个电话给我 下次真正带我出去约会吧？ but how 'bout l take your number and then you can take me out on a proper date next time?
你可以拿我口袋里的名片 l got a business card in my pocket if you wanna get that.
你最好要打来 别让我空等待 You better call. You better not Just, Just leave me hanging.
我想自己拿给你 不过我不想让你大白天看到我光溜溜 l'd get it for you myself, but l don't want you to see me naked in the daylight.
可能会吓跑你 lt could be a deal breaker.
这是什么？ What's this?
一个圈圈？ A circle?
婚戒？你结婚了？ A wedding ring? You're married?
没有，我没结婚 No, no, no, l'm not, l'm not married.
那个是...那不是我的 That is a... That is... That's not mine.
那你裤袋里放的是谁的婚戒？ Whose wedding ring is in your pants, Danny?
听我说，给我一分钟让我解释一下 All right, listen, Just give me a minute to explain this.
说吧 Please.
这可能需要不只一分钟 lt's gonna take more than a minute.
我真是白痴 -l am such an idiot!
不、 不 -No, no, no, no, no.
不用打给我了 Don't call me!
不，帕玛！ No, Palmer!
我就说假结婚这件事迟早会搞死你 l told you that this whole fake marriage thing was Just gonna come and bite you in the ass.
你为什么不干脆跟她说实话？ Why don't you Just tell her the truth?
你以为我能说吗？ You think l can tell her the truth?
让我练习，假装你是她 Let me practice. You be her right now.
好，等等 Oh, good. Okay, hold on.
她不像那样，不过算了 Okay. She's not like that, but anyways.
我有时候会戴这只假婚戒 l wear this fake wedding ring sometimes...
你是猪 You're a pig.
对不起，你是猪 Sorry. You're a pig.
怎么了？你走路姿势好怪 What's wrong? You're walking really weird.
我的背，我昨晚睡沙滩，老天爷 My back. l slept on the beach last night. God Almighty.
你什么时候要练一下背肌？ When are you gonna strengthen your spine?
说真的，你每月该锻炼不只一次 Seriously, Flomax. You gotta work out more than once a month.
不行，我没时间 -l can't, l don't have time to work out.
你有，别那么说 -You do. You can't say that, Danny.
我妈常说卡莱葛伦没上过健身房 My mother always said Cary Grant never went to the gym.
只是每天爬楼梯，从不搭电梯 Only took the stairs, every day, never an elevator.
想听听我对他的看法吗？ You wanna hear my impression of Cary Grant's butler?
怎样？ -Watch. -What?
拜托，他早就挂了 Hello? No, he's dead.
好了，拜拜 Okay, bye-bye.
很好，真爱说笑 That's good. That's funny.
妈，给我钱 Mom, give me some money.
嗨，你好吗？ Hi. How are you?
见到你们真好 要有礼貌，跟马戈毕医师打招呼 Nice to see you, kids. Please be polite and say hello to Dr. Maccabee.
你好，丹尼医师，你今天好吗？ 'Ello, Dr. Danny. 'Ow is you today?
这是杜立德医师吗？她干嘛这样？ ls that my associate, Dr. Doolittle? Why is she talking like that?
她在学外国口音 She's been working on some accents.
我今年暑假要去上戏剧课 l am takin' an acting class this summer, l is.
我会成为下一位麦莉 Gonna be the next Miley Cyrus, l am.
你呢，年轻人？你喜欢孟汉娜吗？ How 'bout you, young man? Do you like Hannah Montana?
不喜欢，我喜欢“加州糜情” No. l like Californication.
你什么时候看过“加州糜情”？ When do you ever watch Californication?
萝莎跟她男朋友聊天时会让我们看 Rosa lets us watch Showtime when she calls her boyfriend.
快吃蘑菇！ 吃蘑菇！ 好耶！ Eat the mushroom! Eat the mushroom! Yes!
你家还真精彩啊 You run a tight ship at home, huh?
丹尼医师？ Dr. Danny?
什么事？ Yeah?
你会带我去夏威夷跟海豚游泳吗？ Will you take me to Hawaii so l can swim with the dolphins?
带你去夏威夷？不会 Take you to Hawaii? No.
我在发现频道看过一个节目 l saw a show on the Discovery Channel.
他们说在夏威夷 只要你付钱就能跟海豚游泳 They say in Hawaii they have dolphins that you can swim with if you pay money.
是啊 Okay.
不过我没钱，我妈说你很有钱 But l don't have any money. And my mom says you're rich.
麦可！ -Michael!
没关系 -No, it's fine.
也许你该自己赚钱 也许你该自己计划一下 Maybe you should make your own money. Maybe a paper route or something like that?
因为有钱人不会请别人去旅行 'Cause rich people don't give other people trips.
那是他们有钱的撇步，懂吗？ That's why they remain rich. You understand?
可是我妈说你常帮助弱势儿童 But my mom says you do charity for kids all the time.
我是帮唇颚裂或有残疾的儿童动手术 l do charity work like l fix a cleft lip or a child's deformity.
我不带他们去夏威夷，那样我会坐牢 l don't take them to Hawaii. l could get arrested for that.
要是我有残疾呢？你会带我去吗？ What if l was deformed? Then would you take me to Hawaii?
那样我会带你去，然后把你扔在那里 lf you were deformed, l'd bring you to Hawaii, but l'd leave you there,
因为我不想看到你 'cause l wouldn't want to look at you.
钱拿去，记得找钱给我 Okay. Here's the money, and l want change.
我会确认你们吃了我付钱买的食物 And l wanna hear back that you actually ate the food that l am paying for.
妈，走之前我可以拉小黛一下吗？ Mom, before we go, can l make a Devlin?
行，走廊尽头，请你跟他去 Sure. Down the hall. Will you please go with him?
医院要开门了，不要让他一直蹲在那 We open in five minutes and l am not having him sit there forever.
说的对，我会的，母亲大人 Bloody hell right, l will, Mumsy!
好了，邱吉尔大人 All right, Winston Churchill.
他说要拉小黛，什么意思？ He said, ''l gotta make a Devlin.'' What does that mean?
那是我大学姐妹会里的朋友 lt's Just a friend of mine who was in my sorority in college
她叫小黛 named Devlin Adams, and...
她不算朋友，比较像是敌人 Well, l wouldn't say friend. l'd say more my nemesis.
- 她是像朋友的敌人？ - 对啦 -Oh, so she was a frenemy? -Yes.
你也许会喜欢她，她很假的 You'd probably like her. She's really, really fake.
总是穿的很趴，又爱勾搭最帅的男生 Always had to have the coolest clothes and the hottest boys and, you know...
她让你不爽 -She bothers you. -A lot.
超不爽 有一晚，我喝了一杯酒 So, one night, l was Just having a glass of wine.
一瓶酒 -A bottle.
我不想再跟孩子说我要上厕所 And l Just got so tired of the kids saying things like, ''l gotta take a crap.
我要便便 ''l gotta take a dump.''
所以我跟他们说我要“做小黛” 他们很喜欢 So, l told them that it was called ''making a Devlin,'' and they liked it.
就一直讲了 And it stuck.
我都是说去做一条黑黄瓜 l always call it making a black pickle.
- 做什么？ - 我没说过 -Making a what? -l don't say that.
- 大声说？ - 对别人，没说过 -Out loud? Good. -To others. No.
我的爱情该怎么办呢？ What are we gonna do about my love life, though?
丹尼，你上了年轻美眉 Oh, Danny, l would feel terrible for you if l had any,
还想要我同情你 even the slightest, investment in you successfully banging 23-year-olds.
臭小黛，你根本没在听 Holy Devlin, you're not listening to me.
不是我在鬼扯黛，我是认真的 This is like not some bull-Devlin fling. l mean, l'm serious.
这是真的，我真的... This is the real Devlin. l could...
我发誓她是我可以厮守终身的人 l swear to God, l could see myself ending up with this girl.
你说的对，不能跟她说实话 You're right. You can't tell her the truth.
最高分！ High score!
天啊，抱歉 Oh, God. Sorry.
很高兴有人这么爽 l'm glad someone's doing good.
你才不想认真 因为一旦认真，就会想结婚 You know what? You don't wanna get serious, 'cause when you get serious, that leads to marriage,
然后结婚就会离婚，而离婚... and then marriage leads to divorce, and divorce is Just...
看看这两个可怜的孩子 他们老爸今天应该要来接人的 l mean, look at these poor kids. You know, their dad was supposed to pick them up today.
- 他又没出现？ - 老样子 -He was a no-show? -Again.
不过至少我清醒了，把他给离了 But you know what? At least l got my head together and l divorced him.
是啊 Yeah, yeah.
等一下 Wait a minute.
你先走吧 You go ahead without me.
不...帕玛... Oh, no, no, no. Palmer, Palmer, Palmer, Palmer, Palmer.
我说过我不想看到你 l told you l didn't want to see you.
我只是想跟你解释清楚 l Just want to explain something to you.
让我跟你解释清楚吧 Let me explain something to you.
我不跟已婚男人约会 l do not date married men.
在我小时候，我爸背叛我妈 我才不要当狐狸精 My father cheated on my mom when l was young. l am not going to be the other woman!
劈腿男！ 奸夫！ Adulterer! Fornicator!
别激动，死孩子 All right, take it easy, Damien, all right?
他叫席拉斯，别找他麻烦 Okay, his name is Silas, leave him out of this.
我会宰了你 l'll kill you.
什么？ 随时候教！ What? Anytime!
听我说，我是结婚了 Listen! l am married.
不过这桩婚姻很糟 她根本都不跟我说话了 But it is a horrible marriage. She doesn't even talk to me anymore.
丹尼，已婚男人都是这么说的 Danny, that's what all married men say.
真有那么糟，你干嘛不离婚？ lf it's so bad, why don't you get divorced?
我在离了 l am.
是吗？ -You are?
对，已经完了 -Yes! lt's over.
不会吧，我毁了别人的婚姻 Oh, my God, l can't believe this. l destroyed a marriage!
我觉得我好不舒服 l really feel like l'm gonna be sick. l can't...
不是因为你的关系 我很早以前就开始办手续了 No, no, it wasn't 'cause of you! l filed a long, long time ago.
我们再过几天就要签字离婚了 We're gonna sign the papers in a couple of days
我对她没感觉了 and it's like, she's dead to me.
她叫什么？ What's her name?
马戈毕太太 Mrs. Maccabee.
你是问她的名字？她叫小黛 You mean her first name? Her first name is Devlin.
她叫小黛？ Her name's Devlin?
很俗的名字吧？ lsn't that a shitty name? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
不过我跟小黛要分手了，好家在 But Devlin and l are splitting up, fortunately,
因为我逮到她背着我搞外遇 'cause l caught her cheating on me with another guy.
不是我逮到的 是“捉奸在床”那个节目拍到的 l didn't catch her. The television show CheaterS caught her and the guy.
我叫他们不要播出 因为这太痛苦了 And l told them not to air it, though, because it's too painful.
他们销毁了带子，你看不到了 不过我真希望让你看 They actually burned the tape so you can't see it. But l would love you to.
她有别的男人？ There's another man?
别的男人，对，杜夫 There's another guy, yes. Dolph.
杜夫？ Dolph?
杜夫朗格林，对 Dolph Lundgren. Yeah.
演洛基第四集那个？ Like the guy from Rocky IV?
不是，不是同一个人 No, no, a different Dolph Lundgren.
你提这个名字会令我火大，别提了 Apparently, if you bring that one up, this one gets really angry, so don't.
男人都说会休了老婆，其实根本不会 Danny, guys always say they're gonna leave their wives. They never do.
她跟这个叫杜夫的一起很幸福，很好 l'm telling you, she's happy with this Dolph guy,
现在我也想要幸福 而我要的幸福就是跟你一起 good for her. Now l wanna be happy. And the only way l can be happy is if l'm with you!
好吗？ All right?
只想跟你一起，不要被人说是奸夫 Just wanna be able to be with you and not be called a ''fornicator''
或是那个死孩子说的什么劈腿男 or an ''adulterer'' or whatever that Children of the Corn kid was calling me.
好吧 Okay.
好吧？ Okay?
我要听她亲口说 l Just need to hear it from her.
让她传简讯给你，行不行？ How about if she texts you, would that be good?
我要见她 l need to meet her.
那就见吧 Let's do it.
你要我假扮你老婆？ You want me to be your wife?
你想不到除了小黛以外的名字？ And you couldn't think of another name, other than Devlin?
她问我的时候，我差点挫赛 l practically took a Devlin in my pants when she asked me.
她在我身边我就会很紧张 ''What's her name?'' l got panicked. l get nervous around this girl.
紧张？每周末都要胡扯假老婆的是你耶 You got panicked? You who invents a fake wife every Friday night?
对，这就代表我对这个妹的感觉了吧？ Yeah. Doesn't that say something about what l feel about this girl?
你想过万一哪一天她走进你的医院 Have you ever thought about the time that she's actually gonna walk into your office
看到我是你的助理兼接待呢？ and sees that l'm your assistantlreceptionist?
简单，我是整型医师 我会让你改头换面 So easy. l'm a plastic surgeon, you will never look like you again.
- 切开、 缝合 - 你在胡说什么？ -Snip, snap. Chip, chap. -What are you talking about?
开玩笑啦，我会帮你黏假胡子 l'm kidding. l'll get you a fake mustache.
天哪，你真的全都想过一遍了 Oh, my God, you've really, really not thought this through.
拜托你专心挑衣服吧？ Will you please Just look at some clothes?
我不穿这些 Look at that. l don't wear...
我自己有衣服 我不用买新的 l have clothes, by the way. l do not need to do any of this. l'm fine.
你的衣服都是外销成衣店买的 Yes. You have the best clothes that Old Navy sells.
你看起来要像整型医师娘 l'm Just saying you gotta look like a plastic surgeon's wife.
我老婆应该要性感火辣 l want to create the illusion l had a hot first wife.
- 你真是... - 不像你这样！ -You're so... -Not this!
走吧，你自找的，我准备好了 Okay, come on, let's go, you asked for it. l'm ready.
这些真是...天哪 -Wow! These are... Oh, geez.
赞啦 -Nice, nice.
我很久没穿高跟鞋了，抱歉 lt's Just been a while since l've been in heels, sorry.
- 好啦 - 天哪，好吧 -Okay, okay. -Oh, gosh. Okay.
去那里，很好 Get there. Yeah, great.
妈呀，好好看 Oh, my God! These are gorgeous!
- 这双多少？ - 一千七百元 -How much are these? -$1,700.
一千七百元？连你一起卖吗？ $1,700? What, do you come with them?
我老家才值一千七百元，不买 My parents' house costs $1,700. No, no.
这上面有球星签名吗？ 这么贵，难不成是用熊猫皮做的？ No. What, did Mickey Mantle sign those? Why are they $1,700, they made outta panda?
- 走啦 - 是啊 -Walk away. -Yeah. You know what?
反正我们也不需要这双鞋 We won't really be needing them anyway.
因为我开始觉得 'Cause l'm actually starting to...
我开始觉得...不大舒服 这里变热了吧？ l'm actually starting to feel not so hot. ls it warm in here?
我不确定我今晚能去了 l'm not sure l'll be able to make it this evening.
很好，这样吧，我们买了 Very good. Okay, you know what? We'll take them.
- 当你的圣诞礼物 - 真的？ -lt's your Christmas bonus. -Oh, really?
那蓝色的也来一双 Okay, then l would like them in blue, too.
以免鞋跟断了，或者我想捧着睡 ln case a heel breaks or l Just want to cuddle.
- 真漂亮 - 你真变熊 -lt's beautiful. -You sicken me.
是啊，所以我们才要离婚啊 Yes, well, that's why we're getting a divorce.
我们因为你的贪婪自私而要离婚 We're getting a divorce because you're greedy, schemy and selfish.
对了，我想你也要同色系的包包吧 Actually, l think you need to get the matching bag, too.
是啊，我是该要 Yeah, l think l should.
谢了，萝莉，我同意 Thank you, Laurie. l agree.
女人团结了，真棒，她跟你同一阵线 All the girls are sticking together. lsn't that sweet? She's on your side, what a shock.
- 这是你自找的，相信我 - 这才是你自找的 -You asked for this. Trust me. -You asked for this.
不 No.
不会吧 No.
妈呀，不行！ 不行、 不行... Hell, no! No, no, no!
什么叫不行？ What do you mean, no?
不行什么？ No? No what?
完全不行，只有一个词能形容 No hope. Okay? There's only one word for it.
- 是什么？ - 稻草 -What is it? -Neglect.
这就是你头发的状况，你是老公？ Okay? This is the one word for the whole thing. Are you the husband?
就快变前夫了 l'm the soon to be ex-husband.
我们在办离婚 We're getting a divorce.
他不是跟你离婚，是跟你的头发离婚 Well, you know he's not divorcing you. He's divorcing your head.
说的好，正确解答 True 'dat, Ernesto. Right on the money.
你的头发糟透了，我就直说吧 Your hair is so messed up, l don't even... Let me count the ways.
它没光泽、 死气沉沉又呆板 lt's dull, it's dead, it's flat.
- 别忘了还很臭 - 味道是还好啦 -Don't forget smelly. -lt don't smell, particularly...
好了，我们懂了啦 -Okay, l think we got it. -You bad.
你好坏，来一下吧，你真坏 You is bad. Give me a little bit. That's bad, though.
你们可以了吧 拜托，就麻烦你了？ You guys, come on, seriously. Ernesto, can you Just, please,
快动手好让我们能回家 do something, so we can be home and l can get out of here?
飓风能摧枯拉朽，我也能化腐朽为神奇 Hurricane Katrina could do something, baby. l'm gonna do something transcendent.
凯亚！ Katya! Yuri, Mrs. Hwiggins!
尤里、 希金丝！ 我们有进度要赶啦！ We going in deep, y'all.
你好像很紧张，丹尼 You seem nervous, Danny.
没有，只是很怪，她让我很紧张 No, no, l Just... lt's weird, she gets me very tense.
抱歉要让你经历这一切 l'm sorry to put you through this.
我明白为什么要这么做 No, l understand why we're doing this.
我只期待甩掉过去的生活 迎向美好的未来 l'm Just looking forward to getting past this part of my life and moving on to the good part.
我们会的，很快，就今晚 We will. Soon. Tonight.
老天爷，好耶 Good God, yes.
那是她吗？ ls that her?
我想是吧 l think so.
她好美 She's stunning.
我喜欢她的鞋 l love her shoes.
她有五双，也许她会送你一双 Yeah, well, she got about five pairs of them. Maybe she'll give you one.
老韩！ 你有看到马戈毕医师... Henderson! Do you see Dr. Maccabee anywhere in this...
他在那，车别熄火，我很快就走 There he is. Keep the car running, shan't be long.
你好，冤家 Hello, boring!
你雇了司机？ Hey. You went with a limo driver?
我只是扮演好角色 l'm Just playing the part.
好吧 Okay.
帕玛 Palmer! Hi.
小黛马戈毕，很快就恢复单身了 Devlin Maccabee. Soon to be, single-abee.
服务生！ 抱歉，有人吗？ Waiter! Excuse me. Anybody?
夫人，要喝什么吗？ Yes, yes. Something to drink, madam?
哈啰，我想要一杯满满的你 可以吗？ 喵！ Well, hello. l would like a tall glass of you. ls that possible? Meow!
开玩笑的啦，除非你很认真 l'm Just kidding. Unless you're really into it.
还是开玩笑啦，不对，不是哦 Kidding again. No, l'm not.
谁知咧，来杯马丁尼特调，多送几杯 We don't know. Grey Goose martinis, Just keep 'em coming. Okay.
换成“放浪马丁尼”好了 Make that a dirty martini. Okay?
真有你的 Okay, that was a good one.
你好，帕玛 Well, so, Palmer.
听说你和丹尼上过床了 l heard you and Danny had sex.
对，真的很对不起... Yes. l am so sorry, l had...
拜托，无所谓啦 Please, honey, it is fine.
我很高兴听到他那玩意还能挺起来 l'm Just happy to hear that his thing-a-ding can still ring-a-ding.
因为他有一点小小的问题 'Cause he's got a serious small issue
软硬的问题，那边 with ED. Over here.
好吧 Okay.
什么软硬的问题？ What's ED? l don't...
天哪，我忘了，你才15岁 Oh, gosh. l forgot. You're fifteen.
勃起障碍 Erectile dysfunction,
亲爱的 my darling.
试着想像你想要射飞镖 Think about it as if you're trying to throw darts and you Just...
射出去的飞镖却像软Q的面条 All you really got, you're shooting with, like, overcooked spaghetti.
是哦 Okay. Yeah.
我是认为我的面条不爱你的肉丸 l Just think that my spaghetti wasn't loving the meatballs that was being served.
它们太...难吃了 They were a little too lumpy.
很多人都说我的肉丸是顶级美味 l've heard from a lot of men that l serve the finest meatballs in Southern California.
当然，一定是街头游民说的 Of course. A lot of homeless men have said this.
他们根本就是饥不择食 They'll eat anything, you know.
我很讶异你会记得有谁跟你上过 l'm Just very shocked that you remember anybody you've ever been with.
你嗑了那么多种药 With all the pills that are in your system.
她喜欢嗑药 She likes the pills, this one.
我晚上回家问“晚饭吃什么？ ” At night l come home, ''What's for dinner?''
“有紫色药丸和绿色药丸” ''Well, we have purple pills, and the green ones
“还有一些我刚烤好的可爱黄色小药丸” ''and some lovely yellow bombers l Just took out of the oven.''
记得吗？ Remember that?
我总得做点事来娱乐我自己 l had to do something to amuse myself
这家伙老是为了肠躁症整天蹲马桶 while this one sat on the throne for hours dealing with his irritable bowel syndrome.
我还有别的病哦 l got another disease. Okay.
我告诉你，新婚之夜我呆坐床上 Can l tell you, l spent the eve of our wedding sitting on the bed,
听着饭店房间的厕所里传来 listening to what sounded like an underwater symphony,
阵阵活像法国号和巴松管的隆隆乐声 of French horns and bassoons coming out of our hotel bathroom.
乐声伴随着很像死猫和臭臭锅的味道 Mix that with the smell of like a dead cat and some faJitas
这一切让人彻底丧失性欲 and you've got what you call yourself a severely diminished libido.
你踢我？ Did you Just kick me?
没有，是你踢她？你干嘛踢她？ No. Did you? You kicked her? Why'd you kick her?
我没有...对，是我，我脚痉挛 Yeah, l don't... l... Yes. l... l have leg spasms.
这是副作用，那些药丸的副作用 lt's a side effect. Terrible side effect from all the pill popping.
不过现在好多了 我没嗑药又很清醒...我很抱歉 But, you know, it's all better now. l'm clean and sober and l apologize.
没关系 lt's okay.
有点超过，又回去喝酒了 Thirteenth step, right there. Back to drinking.
老韩，你真是的，快开门 Henderson, you thoughtless oaf, stop texting, open that door.
- 你干嘛一直叫我老韩？ - 继续演就对了 -Why do you keep calling me Henderson? -Just go with it.
帕玛，真高兴认识你 Palmer, so lovely to meet you.
我也是，真的 Likewise, really.
看看你们两个 l mean, look at you two.
就好像芭比和... -l mean, it's like, Barbie and... -Yes.
肯尼爷爷 ...Grandpa Ken.
虽然我们俩合不来 l mean... And even though it did not work out between us at all...
一切好像完全没发生过 lt's like it never happened. You know?
真的是啊 lt really isn't.
- 我还是希望我的丹尼幸福 - 你听听 -l still want my Danny to be happy. -Oh, look at that.
幸福、 幸福、 幸福 Happy, happy, happy.
- 晚安了 - 好 -Good night, kiddo. -Okay.
喂？ Hello.
我想是她的药头 lt's her drug dealer l'm thinking.
好，马上叫她听电话 Okay, please put her on the phone right now.
你不会吧，亲爱的？ Are you kidding me, honey?
你知道我不喜欢 你拿弟弟的东西去拍卖网站卖 You know how l feel about you selling your brother's stuff on eBay.
上车去讲电话 Hey, hey, hey. Take that in the car.
不行，没关系啦 No. lt's okay.
等我回家再好好修理你，大小姐 l will deal with you when l get home, young lady. Okay.
你以为... l mean, you would think...
你们有孩子？ You have kids?
你们有生小孩？ You have... You have children?
我们算是有...一点小孩吧？ We have sort of a little bit... A little bit of children, right?
你打算什么时候告诉我孩子的事？ When were you planning on telling me about these children, Danny?
不关我事，我要去陪小萝葡头了 l don't know, but listen, l have to go get to those little munchkins.
帕玛，真是幸会，真的 Palmer, so nice, seriously.
丹尼 Danny.
不会吧 No, no, no, hey, hey.
好吧 Okay.
这件事是不是吓坏你了？ Are you freaked out right now about all this or...
其实刚好相反 Actually, Just the opposite.
没吓坏你？怎么？你高兴？ The opposite of freaked out? What do you mean? Good?
- 你知道我喜欢小孩 - 是啊、 是啊 -You know that l love kids. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
我只是没想到你会喜欢小孩 l Just never pegged you as a kids guy.
我超爱小孩的 我爱小孩、 小孩 l'm a huge kids guy. l love kids. Kids, kids, kids. ls...
我爱小孩，我天生就爱 Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's my thing. That's my bumper sticker.
他们叫什么名字？ What are their names?
他们的名字吗？ What are their names again? There is
女生当然就叫琦琦 the girl who, of course, is Kiki Dee.
男生就叫巴特 And then the boy's name's Bart.
那是小名，全名叫巴托 Which of course is short for Barto.
我要见见他们 Well, l wanna meet them!
你当然要见啰 Of course you do.
我妈不知道你今天带我们出来？ So our mom doesn't know that you took us today?
还不知道 Not yet.
你知道这是绑架 You know this is kidnapping.
危险陌生人 Stranger danger.
什么？不会吧 What? No.
是不是有电视台在偷拍？ ls the guy from Dateline NBC gonna walk in?
没有！ 我认识你们很久了 萝莎也在这里 No! l know you two a long time and Rosa's here.
萝莎到哪都是萝莎 Doing whatever that Rosa does.
- 她超怪的 - 是啊 -God, she's freaky. -Yeah.
这是我的提议 So here's the deal.
你们愿意假扮我的小孩一下午吗？ How would you like to be my pretend children for one afternoon?
你何不干脆告诉她实话？ Why don't you Just tell that poor girl the truth?
你知道？ You know?
我妈什么都跟我们说，婚戒男 Our mother tells us everything. Wedding ring boy.
什么？ -What? -Oh, my goodness!
你昨晚有看娱乐新闻吗？超好看的！ Did you see GoSSip Girl last night? lt was so good!
她才不是那样 你妈解读她的角度很奇怪 No, she's not like that. Your mother's presenting her in a weird, weird way.
我是说，说实话现在并不可行 l'm Just saying, telling the truth is not in the cards right now.
我以为你会很高兴接演戏的工作 l thought you'd be excited to have an acting Job.
如果这是工作，就该有酬劳 lf it's an acting Job, we should get paid.
有，你们会赚到经验 Yeah, you're gonna get paid in experience.
我要真正的酬劳 l wanna actually get paid.
好吧，你要什么？ All right, what do you want?
一天六百元 超过八小时还要加班费 $600 for the day, plus overtime if we go over eight hours.
我发型和化妆会自己来 l'll do my own hair and makeup.
我只要你付我妈付不起的 六周戏剧营费用 And l want you to pay for the six-week intensive acting camp that my mom can't afford.
一天五十元 加上你家附近两周的戏剧课 $50 for the day and a two-week acting class at the YMCA nearest you.
五百元加四周戏剧课 $500 and a four-week acting class.
三百元加三周戏剧课 $300 and a three-week class.
成交 Done.
我其实愿意出五百元 l would have done it for $500.
我其实愿意为了经验答应 l would have done it for the experience.
麦可，换你了 Michael, you're up.
开价？ Opener?
我要你带我去夏威夷跟海豚游泳 l want you to take me to Hawaii so l can swim with the dolphins.
你就是不死心，对吧？ You're not gonna let that one go, are you?
我们不去夏威夷，别的呢？ We're not going to Hawaii, pal. Anything else?
那你找别人吧 Find someone else then.
黑道老大出场了，有你的，麦可 Ooh, the Mafia stare down. Very good, Michael.
我们是来谈判的 你有别的想要的东西吗？ We're here to negotiate. Do you have anything else you might like?
我要一匹会飞的小马 l want a flying pony.
我也想要，不过根本没这玩意 l want a flying pony too, Michael, but they don't exist.
那我要普通的马，还要叫它小尼 Then l want a regular pony. And l want to name him Nelson.
不如一台3，然后命名它为小尼 How about a Playstation 3 and we name him Nelson?
继续说 Keep talking.
外加四款游戏 We'll include four video games.
五款 跟你的金发妹约在暴龙游乐餐厅 Five games. And l want the meeting with blondie to be at J.D. McFunnigan's.
换乐乐餐厅吧，它比较近 How 'bout Charlie Choo-Choo's 'cause it's right down the street from me.
再说一次那家烂餐厅，我就走人 Mention that slop-hole again and l walk.
好啦，冷静点，孩子 All right, take it easy, son. Take it easy.
我还要游乐代币无限供应 要玩就要尽兴 And l want unlimited tokens. lf l can spend 'em, l wanna have 'em.
我不要玩一半就突然没代币了 l don't wanna be like playing Skee-Ball and all of a sudden run out of tokens.
好，这我可以做到 这下算是达成协议了？ All right, l can make that happen. So do we have a deal?
成交 Deal.
不吃披萨就取消交易，我认真的 Deal's off unless you eat that pizza, though. Seriously.
我能演一下吗？ Can l do an accent?
- 来吧 - 你好！ -Let me hear some. -'Ello!
- 不行 - 好吧 -No. -Okay.
我的小孩？你头壳坏掉啦？ My kids? Have you completely lost your mind?
是你爱说笑吧？ 接手机大讲特讲的是你耶 Are you kidding me right now? You're the one who picked up your cell phone.
那不是... That is not...
哈太太 Mrs. Harrington...
医师现在要帮你检查 The doctor will see you now.
你竟然为了把妹做到这个程度 l can't believe you're doing all of this Just so you can get some.
真恶心，你好可悲 lt's Just gross. You're Just pathetic.
我不是想把，我是已经把到了 l'm not trying to get some. l already got some.
还有，我想继续把下去，我是把妹达人 And yes, l'd like to continue getting some. l'm pro me getting some.
请坐，麻烦脱掉上衣 Have a seat right there, Mrs. Harrington. Remove your shirt, if you could.
我闻到一股味道，你有闻到吗？ 是香水味 l smell something. You smell something? l smell perfume.
你搽香水？ ls that coming from you?
也许吧 Maybe.
怎么，你有约会？ What, you got a date or something?
我没约会，只是吃午饭 l don't have a date. l have a lunch.
吃午饭？跟谁吃午饭？ You got a lunch? Who you got a lunch with?
葛医师的诊所经理，你这么想知道 他叫布莱恩 Dr. Gervitz's office manager, if you must know everything. His name is Brian.
那个留山羊胡的家伙？ The guy with the gray soul patch?
- 你真是 - 兄弟，我是布莱恩 -You know what? -Hey, man, l'm Brian.
- 你真坏！ - 改天一起吃午饭吧？ -You're mean! -Wow, you wanna go to lunch sometime?
他要带你去参加示威抗议？ ls he gonna take you there right after the big protest?
我们要阻止这些坏松鼠 Hey, man, we gotta stop these squirrels.
他会弹贝斯，对吧？ He plays bass, don't he?
也把胸罩脱掉吧 You can take the brassiere off, too.
他不但会弹贝斯，他也会写歌 And by the way, he does play the bass. And he writes songs.
他写什么歌？ 写他的臭马尾？ What does he write songs about, how bad his ponytail stinks?
哈太太，请你把手放在屁股上 Mrs. Harrington, could you put your hands on your hips, please?
好吧，有一边的快乐袋不快乐了 Okay, so, one of the funbags is not having too much fun.
出了什么事？ All right, what happened anyways?
我昨天撞到车门 -Well, l hit it with the car door yesterday... -Right.
我听到碰一声 接着我走路都会听到水声 ...and l heard a pop and then some sloshing sound when l walk.
我想就是啦 Yeah. l think.
你干嘛？ What are you doing?
有可能是孩子或是布莱恩 Could be the kids or could be Brian.
别闹了 Okay. Stop that.
请等一下好吗？我要跟这家伙说句话 Do you mind Just for one second? Let me Just talk to this guy.
别闹了 Stop!
是啊 Yeah.
喂？ -Hello?
兄弟 -Yeah, man!
- 布莱恩？ - 你可以躺下 -Brian? -You can lie down.
是啊，当然啰 Yeah, hi! We sure are.
不会，寿司很棒 Yeah, no, sushi would be groovy.
好，一点大厅见，拜 Okay, l'll see you at 1 :00 in the lobby. Okay, bye.
那是什么声音？ What voice was that?
那是我的声音 That was my voice.
是吗？ Really?
我才不是那种声音 -l didn't sound like that.
一点 -One o'clock...
你对这家伙有意思啊？ You're excited about this guy, huh?
哈太太，这是乳头用的麻醉软膏 Mrs. Harrington, this is numbing cream for your nipples, okay?
好 Okay.
就一下午而已，干嘛这么大惊小怪？ lt's gonna be one afternoon. Why are we making such a big deal out of this?
因为你想把我小孩牵扯到 Because you know what? You're trying to get my kids involved
你可悲的变熊小谎言里 in your dysfunctional, sick little, pathetic, twisted web of lies.
我跟你儿子谈判时 When l was negotiating with your son, Michael,
他脸上灿烂的笑容是我前所未见 he had the biggest smile l've ever seen on anyone's face.
当我告诉他可以去暴龙游乐餐厅时 When l told him we could do it at J.D. McFunnigan's,
那小子像是得了第一名，我说真的 the kid looked like he won the Heisman Trophy, l'm not kidding you.
我想够了，你有感觉吗？ l think that's enough. Do you feel that?
没有 No.
那这样呢？ No, but do you feel that?
没有 -No.
行了 -We're good.
对了，这是你做的？ By the way, did you make this?
手术完成后该把它捐去博物馆 做的好 We'll have to give it to the Smithsonian when we've done the operation. Terrific Job.
他真的笑了？ Did he really smile?
我发誓，超可爱的笑容 Swear to God, like the cutest little smile.
我还让玛姬吃了东西 And l got Maggie to eat.
- 真的？ - 对 -You did? -Yeah.
披萨、 厚的，三片 Pizza. Deep dish. Three pieces.
我没办法让她吃东西 l can't get her to eat anything.
我知道，这么做不是为了我 l know you can't. Don't do this for me.
是为了孩子们 Do it for the children.
- 好耶！ - 别闹了！ -Yeah! -Oh, stop!
快点，你迟到了 你现在就开演了？走吧！ Come on, you're late! What are you, in character right away? Come on, let's go!
她在里面 She's inside.
这是怎样？ What is that?
怎样？ What?
贝克汉他老婆卖二手衣啦？干嘛穿这样？ Did Victoria Beckham have a yard sale? Why are you wearing that?
你不会吧？这是你买给我的 Are you kidding me? This is what you bought for me.
我知，我们还吵过 我觉得这有点太夸张了 l know, l know. l'm Just saying is it... All right, we're stuck with it, l Just think it's a little over the top, but...
谢了，我很高兴能来帮你 Thanks. Happy to be here to help you.
即兴演出的第一步 就是全盘接收讯息 The first rule of improv is always accept the information.
顺着别人说的话演，不要说不 lf someone says something, Just go with it. No negating.
了，听来不错，很聪明 Gotcha. That sounds good, that's smart.
在我的戏剧课里，要是有人说“不” 全班都会大吼“去死啦！ ” ln my acting class, when someone says ''No'' in a scene, the whole class yells, ''Die!''
不会有人说不啦，不要叫人去死 No. l mean, no one will say ''no'' then. Don't yell ''die.''
谁要做发声练习？ Who's up for some warm-up exercises?
乖女儿，我不要 -No, honey, l'm not gonna do that. -The what?
舌尖、 齿、 唇，舌尖、 齿、 唇 The tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips. The tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips.
我有话要说: 闭嘴啦！ l got one for you. Shut up!
开始了，老大，你准备好了吗？ All right, let's go already. Are you ready there, Mafia?
早就好了！ -Hell, yeah.
走啰！ -Let's do it!
暴龙游乐餐厅
好臭 Stinks.
活像小孩的臭脚味混合着屎味 Smells like kids' feet and like skidmark underwear.
父亲节快乐 Happy Father's Day.
Jeez!
妈咪！ 那人把他小弟放我脸上 Mommy! That man put his pee-pee on my face!
什么？ What?
是他把脸凑到我小弟这里 -He put his face on my pee-pee.
丹尼！ -Danny!
- 我是说是他的错 - 我不认为那有意义 -l'm saying he's the one. -l don't think it matters.
好，我懂了 No, l get you.
帕玛，亲爱的 Palmer, darling.
Hi.
小黛，多谢你今天带孩子来 Devlin. Thank you so much for bringing the kids today.
不是她一个人带来的 你懂吧？ l don't think she was the only one who brought them. You know what l'm saying?
他们是我的骄傲 They are my pride and Joy.
让我向你介绍世上独一无二的 So l'd like to introduce you to, the one and only,
出生时有四千公克的琦琦 Kiki Dee, who came out at nine pounds four ounces.
痛啊 Yeouch.
接着是重量级的，我们叫他巴特 因为他五千多公克，造成了一些伤害 And then the whopper, we call him, Bart, because he was a 1 2-pounder and did some damage.
好了 Okay. So...
你们好啊 Hi, you guys.
你好，帕玛，久仰了 Hello, Palmer. Heard so much about you.
你是英国人？ You're British?
就是你让爹地跨下痒的？ So you're the bird what's been given Daddy the ol' slap and tickle?
我们去年送她去英国念寄宿学校 We sent her to boarding school last year in England.
所以她就有了英国腔，就像玛丹娜 See? So she picked up a slight accent. lt's, you know, very Madonna.
很荣幸认识你，琦琦 Well, it is a pleasure meeting you, Kiki Dee.
真希望我也能这么说 Wish l could say the same.
在你之前，我有一位父亲 You see, before you, l had meself a father.
我是他眼中的宝贝 l was the apple of his eye.
和我父亲相处的时光是如此愉悦 lt was all giggling and chasing butterflies in the meadows, and what have you.
现在呢？ And now what do l got?
每隔一周才能到游乐餐厅 An hour and a half every other week at J.D. McFunnigan's
见他和他的姘头 with him and his whore.
- 可可！ - 琦琦！ -Koko! Kiki! -Kiki!
天哪，她好伤心 God, she's in such pain.
不是，她是吞了些她妈的药丸 No, that's the pills that... She took some out of her mother's bureau.
你这是... Are you...
好啦，我去看看她 All right, let me go see her.
你好吗，帅哥？ How are you doing, sweetie?
给我代币我就会好很多 l'll be better when l start seeing some tokens.
他是美国人 He's American.
等等，你刚刚是在搞什么？ Excuse me. Yo! What was that all about?
那是真情流露的自然演技 我感觉很不错 That was raw and real and in the moment. You know, l feel very good about it.
是吗？我不觉得！ You do? Well, l don't!
如果你想赚到钱和戏剧课 你最好开始正常点 So if you wanna get your money and your acting classes, you better start doing things right from now on.
马上开始，别再乱编故事了 No more sob stories.
一开口就满口英国腔 给我注意点，爱演就要演像一点 And we're stuck with the English accent now, Ringo, so commit to it. Don't choke, got it?
懂了 Got it.
现在抱我一下笑一个，继续演吧 Now hug me and laugh and let's get back into the show.
好吧，爸爸 Okay. Papa!
你不是姘头啦，帕玛 You're not a whore, Palmer.
好耶 Okay.
他们就是这样，吵一吵就会和好 That's so nice. See what they do, they fight, then they make up and it's good.
Good. We're doing good.
不会吧？ Are you kidding me?
这个汉堡给巴特，巴着不放的小鬼 Got a hamburger here for Bart, Art the Water Fart.
- 拿去吧，孩子 - 真好啊 -Here you go, kid. -Look at that, sweet!
还有两份卷饼给奇奇怪怪的琦琦 And two quesadillas for Kiki Sneaky With a Side of Freaky.
喝水吧 不能喝汽水，你有糖尿病 Here's the waters. No soda for you. You're battling diabetes, remember?
琦琦？ Kiki Dee?
我买了两份卷饼 这是你最爱吃的，你一定要吃 l got you two quesadillas 'cause it's your favorite food so you have to eat it.
是啊！ 所以我要通通吃光光 Well, yes! And that's why l'm going to eat every single bit of it.
很好，吃给我看 All right, let's see.
好吃！ Yummy!
谢谢 Thank you.
我们忘了拿纸巾 Hey, l think we forgot napkins.
是吗？我去拿吧 We did? Okay. Well let me get the napkins.
我知道她不会拿，她根本懒得拿 Because l know she's not gonna get up and do it because she doesn't like to get up and do anything.
说的好 Oh, nice.
大家冷静 Everybody be cool.
巴特，你爸告诉我你想上厕所 So, Bart, your dad tells me you like to go to the bathroom.
我有感觉就会去 When l feel it, l do it.
你还喜欢做什么？ What else do you like?
不知耶 l don't know.
他就是这样，木讷寡言 That's our Bart. He's a man of very few words.
好吧 Okay.
也许我是心情不好 Maybe l'm upset.
因为我跟你爸交往？ Upset about me and your father dating?
没啦，你似乎让我爸很高兴，那很好 不过 No. You seem to make my dad happy and that's cool, but...
不过什么？ But what?
没什么啦 Nothing.
我要你有任何话都跟我说 Hey, l want you to feel comfortable telling me anything.
我只是气他没有遵守承诺 Well, l Just hate that he broke his promise to me.
什么承诺？ What promise?
是啊，什么承诺？ Yeah, what promise?
他去年答应我 他会带我去夏威夷跟海豚游泳 He promised me last year that he would take me to Hawaii to swim with the dolphins.
那里有个泻湖里面有海豚 大家都去那里跟它们游泳 They have this lagoon there with dolphins and people get to swim with them.
你在干嘛？ What are you doing?
可是莫名其妙地，我爸取消了旅程 But without warning, my dad canceled the trip.
他为什么要取消？ Why would he do that?
他遇见了你 He met you.
什么？ He what?
不！ -No!
去死啦！ -Die!
不...我是说不是那样的 No, no, no, no, no, no! l'm saying that did not...
你误会了我说的话 我是说我们要提早去夏威夷 You misread what l said. l said we have to go to Hawaii earlier.
因为我好希望我们大家一起同乐 Because l'm excited for all of us to hang out there.
我们要去夏威夷啦！ We're going to Hawaii!
我竟然让一个六岁小孩勒索我 l can't believe l let a six-year-old blackmail me.
我只是把握机会而已 l saw my shot and l took it.
你是在气你自己，因为你把我们拖下水 You're angry at yourself 'cause you got us into this whole situation.
- 是吗？ - 你就是 -l did? -You really did.
都是那家伙一直在说“你不能说不” l think old Mary Poppins with the, ''You can't say no. You can't say no, Guv'nor.''
我对你的玩笑只能忍到这里 Okay, listen, my tolerance for these continued shenanigans is right here.
要是飙到这里 我就揭穿你，带着孩子回家 And if it gets up to here, l'm taking my kids, l'm selling you out and l'm going home.
我好高兴我们要一起去 l am so happy we are doing this, Danny.
我们要去夏威夷，去跟海豚游泳 Are you kidding me? We're going to Hawaii, we're gonna swim with dolphins.
一定很好玩，我才跟小巴说呢 lt's gonna be so much fun. l was Just telling the squirt.
少女杂志，是给他们看还是你自己看？ And Seventeen magazine. You brought that for these guys or is that for you?
我自己看，我最爱看了 lt's mine. lt's my favorite.
你看过那杂志吗？三十年前看过吧 See that? Did you ever read that magazine? Thirty years ago you did.
希望我们会有时间共处 And hopefully we're gonna have time together, right, sweetie?
等等！ 等等！ Wait! Wait!
丹尼，等等！ Danny, wait!
小蛋糕，我无法忍受没有你 Muffinstein, l could not stand to be without you.
就是他吗？ 正牌老公本人就在我眼前 ls this him? l see the Colonel von Generous right here in front of me.
我这下晕了 Okay, l'm confused right now.
失礼，我没自我介绍 我们通过电话 l'm so sorry. l've not introduced myself, we have talked on the phone,
我就是杜夫朗格林 but l am the Dolph Lundgren.
小黛的男人兼爱奴 Devlin's man-friendllove monkey.
杀了我吧 Oh, kill me now.
小黛说你要工作 Devlin said you had to stay back and work.
她说什么？ -l did. -She what said?
不，不工作，等我死了才工作 Nein, nein to the work. l will work when l am kaput.
我觉得你们好棒，好成熟 You know, l think this is so great of all of you, so mature.
要是我父母离婚时也能这样多好 l would have loved if my parents had done something like this when they got divorced.
所以我才觉得应该请他来 是啊，我很高兴 That's why l was thinking we should have the man come. Yeah, l'm glad. l'm glad.
让孩子看到我们和乐相处 lt's important for the children to see us as a unit.
我也没办法离开这个小煎饼 And also l cannot stay away from this potato pancake.
她爱死小肉条了，你懂吧？ She loves the schnitzel, you know what l mean?
你嘴巴干了 You know what? Tongue feels a little dry.
我们去找水喝，我们马上回来 Let's go get you some water, honey. We'll be back.
大嘴巴，超大嘴 That's a big tongue, big tongue.
给我过来，过来 Get over here, get over here.
你跑来干嘛？ What are you doing here?
来帮忙啊 l don't know, saving the day. Helping. Hello?
你在跟谁说话？你在看哪里？ Who are you talking to? What are you looking at?
我啥都看不到 l can't see in these things.
你给我听好 This is what you're gonna do.
你告诉他们早餐吃坏肚子了 You're gonna tell them that you ate a bad sauerkraut omelet for breakfast
你觉得不舒服，你要走人 and that you are feeling like you're sick and that you gotta go.
- 我不能走 - 为何？ -Katherine, l can't go. Okay? -Why?
因为我把新小弟的照片给前女友 Because l texted a picture of my new equipment to my ex-girlfriend.
你真恶心 You're disgusting.
我忘了她的未婚夫是武术高手 他这下想海扁我一顿 And l forgot she's engaged to a UFC fighter. He wants to punch me in the face.
我正想扁你 l wanna punch you in the face.
你们好了没？ Hey, guys, how we doing?
我正在等人付机票钱 l am Just waiting for the money for the ticket.
所以你要去？要我付钱？ So you are coming? And l am paying?
对，帅哥没钱 Yes. Dolph has zero dollars. -Woops! -Okay.
我找一下信用卡，在这里 Let me see if l can find my credit card. Here it is.
这是感谢你睡我老婆 That's for sleeping with my wife, pal.
-There you go. -Thank you.
我没空先订房，不过我需要两间房 Hey, hey! Didn't have time to make any reservations, but l need two rooms, please.
当然，不过我们只剩豪华套房了 Of course. Unfortunately, we only have our suites left.
天哪 Oh, boy.
华道夫豪华套房一晚八千元 还有总统套房一晚一万两千元 The Waldorf Astoria at $8,000 per night and the Presidential at $1 2,000.
一万两千元？ 五月天会来唱歌给我听吗？ $1 2,000 a night? Do the Rolling Stones come and play for me while l'm in there?
你胡说什么？怎么这么贵？ What the hell are you talking about? Why is it so much?
房间是熊猫皮做的？是吗？ ls it made out of panda? l've used that somewhere else, but is it?
不是，不过您的建议很好 我要记下来 No, but you've made some terrific suggestions and l'm gonna Jot them down.
您是我们的尊荣会员吗？ Are you a member of the Hilton Honors Rewards program?
我不是 No, l'm not.
真可惜，您该加入的 That's too bad. You should Join.
是啊 Yeah.
好啰！
我刚被抢了，我是说我选好房间了 Just got reamed. l mean, l got the rooms.
谁想去海边啊？ Who wants to go to the beach?
我！ Me!
谁想喝酒？ Who wants to start drinking?
我！ Me!
好吧，我也会为了上她搞一出大戏 妈呀！ Okay, yeah, l would create a fake family for that. Oh, my God!
你真是恶心 You know what? You're disgusting.
母亲，请快过来 水温就像英国的春天一样宜人 Mumsy, please do come in. The water's as lovely as Westminster in May.
不了，我现在不想游泳 No, honey, l'm good. l don't really feel like swimming right now.
我亲爱的在担心什么？ What is this from, my Liebchen?
不要被她的完美曲线给吓到了 Don't you be intimidated by her whole thing right there, which is perfect.
拜托，她才不会被我吓到 我希望等我到她这年纪还能这么美 Come on. Like she's intimidated. l hope when l'm her age l look that good.
是哦？ Yes, right?
你可以保持身材 You can look that good
只要你不搭电梯，只爬楼梯 跟卡莱葛伦一样 if you don't take the elevators and only take the stairs like Cary Grant.
爬楼梯、 爬楼梯 Take the stairs. Take the stairs.
干嘛停在这里？ Hey, why are we stopped here?
怎样？我不能看婚戒吗？ What's the matter? l can't look at engagement rings?
- 婚戒？ - 对，你没听错 -Engagement rings? -Yeah, you heard me.
你随便看，不过你我都知道 Look all you want, but you and l both know that
你会厌倦这个妹，继续浪荡下去 you're gonna get sick of this hottie and you're gonna be back on the prowl next week.
不，这个妹不够正吗？ Nope. l'm telling you, is this girl not cute?
她很正 Yeah, she's really cute.
她不够好？ ls she not the sweetest?
我看过最好的 The nicest person l've ever met.
你注意到她的嘴唇了？ Did you ever see her lips?
我认为她的嘴唇是最性感的 l think she has the best lips l've ever seen.
好像车胎，我只想坐下去 They're like an inner tube and l Just wanna sit on it.
你懂我的意思吧？ You know what l mean? And Just, like...
你要我揍你吗？ Do you want me to knock you out, or...
不要，我是说你该坐下去 No, l'm saying you should sit on her lips.
随便啦 Anyways...
这整个状况让我想起一首歌 You know, this whole situation reminds me of a song.
丹尼是大牌整型医 Danny iS a big plaStic Surgeon
从没时间娶某 who never had time for a wife
他朋友戴维，还在军中服役 And he'S friendS with Davy who'S Still in the Navy
你干嘛唱“驻唱人生” Piano Man? Why Piano Man?
不，这是阿丹人生 以你的人生为蓝图，这是艾迪恶搞版 No, it's ''Piano Dan.'' That's based on your life. lt's a little Eddie remix.
艾迪原本是米粉头 脸上满满都是痘子 Eddie uSed to have an afro And pimpleS all over hiS face
所以他拼命挤痘痘，再搽上去痘膏 So he popped and he poked 'em And ClearaSil Soaked 'em
不过美眉们还是拿防狼喷雾喷他 But ladieS Still greet him with mace
我是被喷过一次 l was maced one time.
五次啦 Five times.
各位，我们是来这里熟悉彼此的 So, guys, we're here to get to know each other better.
- 对 - 是啊 -Yes. -Yeah.
杜夫，从你开始吧 Dolph, let's start with you.
你是做哪一行的？ So, what line of work are you in?
帕玛，我搞羊的 Well, Palmer, l am in sheep.
对不起，我听不懂 l'm sorry. l don't know what you mean.
我卖羊 l am a sheep shipper.
没错 Yes.
大家都不跟在地的牧羊人买羊了 You know, people, they don't buy the sheep from the local sheepherder anymore.
是吗？真的？ Really? They don't?
真的，他们都上网买 No, they don't. They go online!
没错！ 他们会上网 Yes! They go on the lnterweb,
到我的网站: 赶羚羊 to my website, gotprettysheep.com.
这个留下来，谢谢 And leave this, please. Thank you.
他们浏览羊照片，选一头想要的羊 Now, people go on. They see the pictures of the sheep, and they pick the ones they want.
特别的最好 You know, it's like, ''l want that one.
非常有型，有型的羊 ''You know, it's very stylish. You know, it's a stylish one.''
他们有时会要害羞不乱叫的 Goes, ''Oh, no, l want the shy one who doesn't want to baa.''
或是很没礼貌的羊 Or they buy the sassy one,
整天见到人就咩咩咩的叫 who's like, ''Hey, l see you, baa, baa.''
大家都买这些羊干嘛？ So, what do the people do with these sheep?
爱干嘛就干嘛！ 没有限制 Whatever they want! Sky is the limit.
有些人养来当冲物 有些人养来看门 You know, some have them as pets. Some have them as security for the house.
大部分的人 A lot of the people...
训练它们在斗羊俱乐部互斗 The new thing is training them to fight each other in the Sheep Fight Club.
斗羊俱乐部？ Sheep Fight Clubs?
对，所有的羊，全都聚在一起 它们咩咩叫， 全场咩咩叫 Yes. All the sheeps, they get together. They baa, all you hear is, ''Baa, baa, baa.''
然后你会看到它们互踢、 拼命咩咩叫 And then you see hoof, kick, hoof, kick, hoof, kick, baa, baa, baa, baa, baa!
然后它就出局了 And then he's out.
我们就是这样认识的 她跟我买羊 And that is how we met. She bought a sheep from me.
真的？为什么？ Really? Why?
为了小孩？别听了 Children? Okay, tune out.
因为秘密即将揭露 大人的秘密 Okay, 'cause some secrets are coming out, all right? Some adult ones.
她喜欢帮羊剪毛 She likes to shave the sheep
为了性...性的感觉，对 for the pelt for the sex, sexuals, yes.
她很迷恋羊毛之类的东西 She has got a real fetish for the wool and stuff, you know.
我们会玩这招“羊骑羊” We do this thing called ''sheepstenein.''
丹尼？请你跟我过来一下好吗？ Danny? Would you come with me, please?
好，当然 Yeah. Absolutely.
我们现在要离开一下 So, we're gonna leave right now.
你们就玩我们最爱的游戏“不说话”吧 So you guys play that game that we always love to play, Nobody Talk game.
开始 And start now.
对不起，我们要走人，我做不到 我要宰了那家伙，他疯了 -l'm sorry, we're leaving. l can't do it. -No. l'm gonna kill that guy. He's lost it.
他只是在发羊疯，你现在刻度在哪？ He was going sheep-crazy, l'll give you that. Where is your hand right now?
你想知道？早就失控了！ You wanna see where it is? lt's not even here anymore! lt's gone!
我揍他好吗？你也一起来，很好玩的 How about l beat him up? You can beat him up with me. lt'll be fun.
我不想！ 我要走了 l don't want to! l have to go.
不要现在丢下我 -Don't bail on me right now! -Don't make that face at me.
不要摆那副脸色，我受不了 -l cannot stand that face.
凯瑟琳？ -Katherine?
凯瑟琳墨菲？ Katherine Murphy?
妈呀，小黛亚当斯 Oh, my God, Devlin Adams.
- 小黛？拉屎的那个... - 拉屎？我看到的是 -Devlin? Devlin as in taking a... -Taking? From what l see...
是我大学的麻吉小黛！ lt's my favorite college Devlin!
我们同时在同一家度假村耶 Both of us here at this resort at the same time.
我不知道你会来这种地方 l didn't know you came to places like this.
看吧 Here we go.
亲爱的 Honey!
亲爱的，我要你见一个人 Honey, l want you to meet someone.
这是我姐妹会里的麻吉 This is one of my best friends from my sorority.
凯瑟琳，这是我老公伊恩琼斯 Katherine, this is my husband, lan Maxtone Jones.
幸会 Pleasure.
你也许听说过他，他发明了iPod You might've heard of him. He invented the iPod.
是他发明的哦，耶 Well, of course he did. The iPod.
我是洗澡时想到的 The idea Just came to me in the shower.
就在我跟小黛洗鸳鸯浴的时候 A shower that l was taking with Devlin.
你们弄了这么一顶小屋啊？ So, this is a cabana you guys got yourselves here, huh?
因为我很白，我不想晒伤 Because my skin is so white. l don't like to get it burned.
连晚上也是？ Even at night?
夏威夷的阳光很难讲的，很强烈 Well, in Hawaii, you never know with the sun. Very, very strong.
所以你是说月光也会晒伤？ So you mean like a moonburn or...
你气色真好 You look fantastic.
你真好看，很高兴你整了牙齿 好多了 You look great. l'm so glad you got your teeth fixed. Much better.
你还是我记忆中的那个小黛 You are Just the same glorious Devlin that l remember.
对了，我上个月遇见珊卓薇妮了 Oh, my God, l ran into Sandra Wernick last month.
好可怜，她离了婚还带着一个小孩 The poor thing. She's already divorced and she has a child.
她成了单亲妈妈，真是糟糕 She's a single mother. lt's a disaster.
我真为她感到难过 l feel so bad for her.
你结婚没？ Are you married?
结了 Yes.
我忘了介绍你给丹尼认识 l've neglected to introduce you to Danny,
丹尼马戈毕三世，我老公 Daniel Leroy Maccabee lll, my husband.
你要我留下来，就配合演出 Yes. lf you want me to stay, will you Just go with it, honey?
过来见见小黛和伊恩吧 -Come here and please meet Devlin and lan. -Hey.
这位是丹尼 This is Daniel.
- 啊？你好吗？ - 我很好 -lPod, what's up? How are you? -l'm fine.
- 他发明的 - 幸会，我听见了 -lnvented it. -Pleasure. l heard.
小黛，我跟我老婆在浴室里提过你几次 Devlin, l think l spoke about you with my wife in the bathroom one or two times, right?
是啊 We did.
- 大号 - 我们说你是大号人物 -Number two. -We did it twice, yes.
老大，说说你是做哪一行的？ So, chief, tell me, what do you do for a living?
我也是发明家，跟你一样 我发明了会吠的手 l'm also an inventor, Just like you. l invented the barking hand.
我唬到你了，你晒伤了？ l got you. But you're sunburned?
- 不对 - 什么？ -No. -What?
你是医师 You are a surgeon.
他是整型医师，他是最顶尖的 He's a plastic surgeon, and he's one of the best
洛杉矶杂志是这么报的 according to LoS AngeleS Magazine.
帅啦！ Touchdown!
是啊，没错 Yes. Well, that, yeah.
帅翻了 Touched it down.
我们得回去了，很高兴见到你们 We gotta go back. We have to run. lt was great to see you.
我们得回去孩子身边 We have to get back to our kids. So...
你们有孩子？ You have kids?
对，有两个 我们等不及要有爱的结晶了 Yeah, two, actually. We couldn't wait to start creating lives.
对了，孩子们还是我洗澡时做出来的 And by the way, l created these children in the shower. Right?
是啊 -You did.
你懂我意思吧？ -You know what l'm saying, homeboy?
真爱说笑 That is funny.
你们在一起很久了 Wow, you've been together a long time.
要我扔下这个正妹？看看她 Am l gonna leave this girl? Look at her.
还是能让人升旗啊，你们懂吧 Still gets the flag up the pole, if you know what l mean.
碰碰，我该说硬梆梆才对 Bing-bang. An iRod, l should say.
碰一下，别让我等 Come on, hit that. Why'd you leave me hanging so long?
你好聪明 You're so clever. That's so silly.
我们四个改天该一起共进晚餐 The four of us should get together and have dinner one night.
那真是我梦寐以求的事 That would be almost like a dream of mine.
只是我们根本离不开卧房 lf we could ever get ourselves out of the bedroom.
凯瑟琳墨菲，你看看你！ Katherine Murphy, look at you!
不，我冠了夫姓，马戈毕 Oh, no, not Murphy anymore. Leroy Maccabee.
是啊 That's right.
总之，很高兴见到你，还有你，伊恩 The third. Anyway, so it was great to see you and meet you, lan.
对了，我也很爱版的 The big E. Love the Shuffle, by the way.
- 幸会了 - 拜！ 谢了！ -Good to meet you. -Bye! Thanks. You, too!
你是怎么回事？她人很好啊 What are you talking about? She was nice.
- 我要宰了你 - 拜托，你需要我，对吧 -l'm gonna kill you. -Come on. You need me, though, right?
我真不敢相信刚刚的事 我喜欢你需要我 l don't believe that Just happened. l like that you need me. How's that make you feel?
拜托，这就像被车门夹到 Please, it feels like a car door Just slowly shut on my soul.
- 过来，听着 - 怎样？ -Come here! Listen. -What?
你知道我的感受吗？ Do you know how l feel right now?
你让我很难过，把我扯入你的谎言 You were getting me so upset, bringing me into that web of lies.
我的手到这里了，到这里了 My hand's right here right now. Oh, my hand's right there.
我恨你 You know what? l hate you right now.
我要写一盒卡片，记下这些谎言 l've gotta write out a bunch of index cards Just to keep up with these lies.
对，顺便给我一份，还有一件事 Yeah, and you're gonna make me copies, too. And one more thing.
天哪，我们干嘛现在离开饭店？ Oh, my God, why are we leaving the hotel right now? Why did you wake me up?
因为我报名了全天探险旅程 Because, Grandpa, l signed us up for the all-day adventure tour.
我们要去雨林远足，去河里划独木舟 We're gonna go hiking in the rainforest, and kayaking down rivers
还有到瀑布下游泳 and swimming under waterfalls.
游泳，希望你指的是裸泳 Swimming. l hope you mean skinny-dipping.
我建议游泳就好 l'm gonna suggest swimming.
我呢，要脱光也行 l, however, am fine with some man nudity, Danny.
所以...疯狂一家也要一起出动 Okay, so SwiSS Family nightmare is coming with us.
让我们感情更好？ That's so we can bond?
这太赞了啦！ That'll be great!
这里真是美极了！ lt's bloody breathtaking out here!
这是阿凡达那些蓝色人住的地方吗？ ls this where the blue Avatar people live?
对，阿凡达的蓝色人，还有那头黑猪 Yeah, the blue Avatar people and l think that black pig.
哪里？ -Where?
那头猪 -The pig.
它好可爱，好像宝贝 Look, how cute. Looks like Babe.
天哪，快跑！ Oh, my God! Go, Go!
快！ 快跑！ Come on, go, go!
猪在啃我的身体 The pig is eating my body!
眼睛看着河 Keep your eyes on the river, sweetheart.
我刚刚是在看峡谷 Yes. l was looking at the canyon.
你们干嘛？ Hey, what're you guys doing?
那座桥一次只能过一个人 That bridge can only handle one person at a time!
Go, go, go!
他说什么？他说什么？ What'd he say? What'd you say?
小黛她妈咧！ Holy Devlin!
走吧 Come on, let's go.
背着我走很棒吧？ Piggyback times are magical times, aren't they?
是吗？你害我脊椎变形了 Yeah, aren't they? You're warping my spine now.
琦琦滑下去了 l think Kiki slipped.
父亲，我好爱跟你一起玩 Oh, Father, l Just love spending time with you!
老天爷！ Oh, my God!
你们看看这里 You guys, look at this!
- 妈呀！ - 太好了！ -Oh, my God! -lt's lovely!
真是太美了 That is unbelievable.
我是不知道你们啦 不过我要下去凉一下 l don't know about you guys, but l am gonna go cool off.
真的？水里搞不好有黑猪 Really? There could be black pigs in there.
是啊 l agree.
你看看，太赞了 Look at that. That's terrific.
饭店知道你拿走枕头吗？ Does the hotel know you took those pillows, honey?
她穿比基尼真的很赞 She really wears that bikini well.
是啊 Yeah.
她只戴帽子会更美 You know what she'd wear well? Dental floss and a pirate hat.
- 别乱说 - 真是恶心 -Don't say that. -Absolutely gross.
妈呀！ 美呆了！ Oh, my God! Gorgeous!
太完美了 Perfect.
十分！ 完美的十分！ That was a ten! A perfect ten!
小泥人 So, Al Jolson,
你要不要跳进水里 you mind Jumping in the water
一路大叫“我爱爸爸”？ and also screaming on the way down, ''l love my daddy''?
好啊 Okay.
为了我跳吧 Yeah, do it, do it for me.
为了爸爸 -Do it for Da-da. -l love my daddy.
我爱爸爸 我最爱的大人就是爸爸 Daddy is my favorite adult!
你付她的酬劳一定很高 You're paying her enough for this, right?
我爱你，我的小英国妞 And l love you, my little British crumpet!
小子，该你了，跳吧 All right, homeboy, you're up next. Let's go.
自己想台词吧 Come up with something on your own.
你又要方便了？ You gotta squeeze out another log?
他跟你说什么？ What happened? What'd he whisper to you?
水太深了 Water's too deep.
水深又怎样？ Water's too deep for what?
他不会游泳 He can't swim.
他不会游泳？ He can't swim?
这样你还想跟海豚游泳？ 你还真会骗人啊 And you wanna swim with the dolphins? That makes a lot of sense.
我没想清楚 Hadn't thought it through.
你想的够多了 No kidding you didn't think it through.
满脑子只想花光我的钱 Thought about spending all my money, though, didn't you?
- 丹尼！ - 我只是说说而已 -Danny! -l'm saying, l'm not the kid's...
好吧，没人教你怎么游泳？ Okay. No one taught you how to swim, huh?
我爸应该要教，不过他很忙 Well, my dad's supposed to, but he's busy.
对啊，忙着当猪头 Busy being an idiot.
你们该下来，水感觉好神奇 You guys have to come in, the water feels magical!
我也有东西很神奇，就在胯下 l got something magical, too. Right in the downstairs area.
我才不跟你击掌 l don't high-five when it's...
胯下 Downstairs area!
- 算了吧 - 别闹了 -No, put it away. Sorry. -No, stop.
我想妈咪要探索一下神奇的水 You know what? l think Mommy's gonna explore the magical waters.
你可以跟你的假老爸一起吗？ Honey, are you okay to hang out here with fake Daddy?
可以 Sure.
你要脱了？你干嘛？ Really? You're gonna get undressed? What are you doing?
- 怎样？ - 你有带浴帽吗？ -What? -You got a bathing cap, too?
你真讨厌 You're the worst.
你穿了老阿嬷的泳装？ A 1920s swimming gown on, honey?
不要，不要脱啦 Don't do it. Don't take it off.
好耶 -Yeah.
我要独处一下 -l have to be alone.
好吧 Okay.
天哪，我该开始爬楼梯了 God, l gotta start taking the stairs more.
别听她胡说，她都是去踩飞轮 Don't buy that line. She takes spinning classes like they're M&M's.
我想他穿的是我的内裤 l think he's wearing my underwear.
他干嘛？ What is he doing?
你会摔下来的！ Yo, l guarantee you fall!
放心啦 l'm all set.
感谢上帝 Thank you, God.
我想爬帕玛山 我们甩掉这些小鬼吧？ l wanna climb Palmer Mountain, so what do you say we get rid of these kids?
昨晚由他们照顾，今天该我们了 No. They had them last night. lt's our turn.
不是就该这样吗？轮流照顾？ lsn't that how things work? We alternate?
- 什么？ - 不对 -What? -No.
我今天就照顾他们了 l get the kids... l had them today.
我白天照顾，然后晚上轮她 我们是这样轮的 That counted as a ''me'' day and then she gets them at night. That's how we do it.
杜夫、 小黛 Dolph, Devlin,
要我们帮忙看小孩让你们独处吗？ do you want us to watch the kids so that you guys can have a little alone time?
- 我不想... - 好耶，当然 -l don't think... -Yes! Absoshnutely!
我们要一起睡！ 终於轮到我们啦！ We are sleeping together! You guys have your own beds and it's our time!
- 我们照顾孩子 - 很好 -So we're gonna watch them. -Good.
你们要来阳台看看吗？ You guys wanna come take a look at the balcony?
我好像看到附近有海豚 l think l saw some dolphins around here.
海豚耶，他爱死了，对吧？ Dolphins? Hey, he loves those, right? Dolphins.
- 抱歉，去吧 - 好了，放手吧 -Sorry. Okay, go. -All right, let go. Come on.
- 去看海豚吧 - 拜了 -Get the dolphins. -Bye, you guys.
我们就是为了海豚来的，阳台见了 That's why we're here, the dolphins. See you out there.
听着，要是有状况...任何状况 Listen, if anything happens and you need any... And l mean anything,
打电话给我 you have to call me.
我很行的，放心啦 l'm good at this, l swear to you.
我小时候还负责照顾艾迪咧 l used to baby-sit Eddie when we were children.
- 他这样是你搞的？ - 不是 -Eddie is your fault? -No, no, no.
我要你享受今晚，今晚你放假 But l want you to enJoy tonight. Come on, it's like a free night.
你可以随心所欲 You can do whatever you want.
你可以帮自己织几双袜子 或是用你火辣的身材去勾引人 You can knit yourself some socks or shock people with your sneaky hot body.
- 你在胡说什么？ - 还爬楼梯咧？ -l don't know what you're talking about. -Cary Grant?
我只会呆坐房里，担心你和他们 l'm Just gonna sit in my room and worry about you and them and everything.
何不和艾迪过一个柏拉图式的夜晚？ 吃个晚饭？ What about Just hang out platonically with Eddie tonight? Have some dinner?
还是他不够好？ 你要山羊胡布莱恩 Or is he not good enough? You need Brian, the guy from Foghat, around here.
你很在意我跟他去吃午餐 That really bothered you that l went to lunch with that guy.
什么叫你跟他去吃午餐？ What do you mean, you went to lunch with him?
我说过我要跟他去吃午餐 l told you l was going to lunch with him.
我以为他约你，你会笑笑算了 l thought it was he asked you to lunch and you were gonna like scoff at it.
你真的去了？你被他迷上了？ But you did? You fell for his charms?
我不懂你这是怎样 l don't even understand what this is.
这是胡子啊 lt's the beard, man.
胡子又不会动 lt doesn't move!
风吹就会，会飘动 Well, yeah, in the wind, man. lt's flapping around.
我告诉你吧 All right. You know what? l'll tell you this.
那人至少跟一个女人用餐之际 The guy made it through an entire lunch with a woman
不会满嘴谎言 without making up a fake life.
你伤到我了 You Just hurt me.
那不大好，不过却是实话 That was not nice, but it was the truth.
我只说实话 And l speak the truth.
注意看好我的孩子 Please pay attention to my children.
不会有事的 Everything will be nice.
走廊就能叫客房服务 They serve room service in the hallway.
我真是不舒服，拜 l'm so nauseous. Okay. Bye.
终於独处了！ Alone at last!
来玩那个游戏吧 我们超会玩的 Let's play the game. We were doing so good with the game.
如果你能当别人 ''lf you could be one person besides yourself,
你想当谁？ ''who would you be?''
芮秋蕾，我一直都想当美食专家 Rachael Ray, because l've always wanted to know how to cook.
- 真的 - 她超有魅力的 -Really? -Oh, she's darling.
我不想当别人 You know what? l don't really wanna be anyone else.
我喜欢当自己，我选我自己 l'm happy with who l am. l choose me.
不然就当寇克舰长，二选一 Or Captain Kirk. Either one.
- 很不错啊 - 是啊 -See, that's a good one. -All right.
你呢，巴特？ What about you, Bart?
狄先生 Mr. DeCesare.
邮差先生？为什么？ Our mailman? Why?
他似乎很了解人生 He Just seems like he's got it all figured out.
真有深度啊 We're getting deep.
好，继续吧 Okay, moving on.
好，说一件让你难过的事 Okay. ''Name something that makes you sad.''
茱蒂丹契没赢过奥斯卡女主角奖 That Judi Dench has never won the Oscar for Best Actress.
太可笑了 lt's a travesty.
“超级男孩”解散 That 'N Sync broke up.
是啊，我们都很难过 Yeah. That was rough on all of us.
超级男孩是谁啊？ Who's 'N Sync?
难过，巴特，该你了 Sadness. Bart, you're up.
我不想说 l don't wanna say mine.
好，继续下一个 Okay. Let's move on then.
Hey!
来嘛，你可以跟我们分享一切 Honey, come on. You can share anything with us.
是啊，分享，他看起来快哭了 Yeah, share. He looks like he's about to lose it, but okay.
我爸老是没时间陪我 When my dad doesn't have time for me.
好了，没关系啦 Come on, it's okay.
我们很好，没关系的 一切都会没事的 We're okay. We're okay. lt's fine. lt's all gonna be okay.
好了 Come on.
我们根本不需要他 We don't need him in our lives.
不是啦...他... -Wow. -No, no, no, he's...
没事了 We're okay. lt's fine.
不会有事的 lt's all gonna be okay.
这根本不是...这是很久以前的事了 This has nothing to... This is, like, from a long time ago!
没事了 lt's okay.
你搞什么鬼？ What are you doing?
那真一大失败 Well, that was a maJor setback.
我爸老是没时间陪我 ''When my dad doesn't have time for me.''
我们很抱歉 We're sorry.
我知道你们很抱歉 我知道你们家有自己的问题 l know you're sorry. l know you got real stuff going on with your family.
那很难过 And it's painful.
不过你们还是要保持冷静 But you gotta Just hold it in till you get to the mainland again.
是你们要来跟海豚游泳 You're the ones who wanted to come here and go swimming with the dolphins
你不会游泳，所以你只要看海豚 or standing with the dolphins because you can't swim.
- 你们能不能保持专业？ - 行 -Can you act professional? -Yes, sir.
至少再撑两天 之后我就会说你们搭火车出事死了 For at least two more days, until l kill you off in a boarding school train accident?
我以为你会说车祸 l thought it was a car accident.
随便啦，说是科学实验爆炸也行 l don't know. Either that or a science explosion, Just something.
你们很快就要死了，这是好消息 You're gonna be dead soon. That's the good news. Okay?
拜托你们再演几天就好 So, can you Just focus for a few more days?
- 好 - 很好 -Yes. -Good.
现在给我假装抱一下 So, give me some fake hugs right now
一起大笑，好像我们是最快乐的一家人 and laugh real loud like we're the happiest family on earth.
- 好 - 可以吗？ -Okay. -ls that possible?
笑、 笑、 笑 And laughing, laughing, laughing.
很好，笑大声一点 Okay, that's it. Laugh louder, louder.
我爱你们！ l love you guys!
甜心，怎么了？ Hey, sweetie! What's going on? What's up?
孩子们，我刚跟你们母亲通过话 So, kids, l Just got off the phone with your mom
你们明天有的是时间跟爸爸一起玩 and you guys are gonna have plenty of time to spend with your dad tomorrow
因为她和我整天都要去做水疗 because she and l are gonna have a nice, long spa day.
帅啦！ 太好了 Awesome! Awesome, awesome.
你们真是... You guys are so...
待会再见，好吗？ l'll see you in a minute, okay?
我爱你 l love you.
- 他抓狂了 - 晚安 -Okay, he's losing it. -Okay, good night.
他抓狂了 He's losing it.
好了，大家下车 All right, here we go. Everybody out.
我们要干嘛？ So, what are we doing?
帕玛把相机忘在房间里了 Palmer forgot her camera in the room
等她做完水疗，我有惊喜要送她 so l'm gonna have a surprise for her when she gets back from the spa.
偷来的相机？ A stolen camera?
不，是我们欢乐时光的照片 No, some pictures of us having a great time
让她相信我们一起玩的很愉快 reassuring her of all the fun we have together.
我离开饭店前忘了冲马桶 l forgot to flush the toilet before l left the hotel.
- 这样她就会有两个惊喜了 - 好吧 -So she's gonna have two surprises. -Okay.
全世界就属你最常拉屎 No one's supposed to crap as much as you do.
你该去吃整肠药了 You gotta look into that Pepto Bismol or something.
这是你们的球杆辇，名牌货 Here's your putters. Bing.
- 还有你的 - 谢谢 -And a bam. -Thank you.
看着相机 Let's Just look right in the camera.
我们好快乐 And we're having fun.
我们是一家人，相亲相爱 And we're a family. We love each other.
照啰！ And boo!
接着拍麦可推杆辇进洞 All right, let's do the old Michael-hit-a-putt shot. Okay?
碰，进洞 So boom, that's in the hole.
你很兴奋，我们也为他高兴 And you're excited about that, and we're happy for him, and...
玛姬打球，可是你太用力了 Maggie Just hit the ball, but you followed through too much
结果害你跌个四脚朝天 and it made you fall on your back.
看着 Okay, but... Look at this.
你在笑，不过做老爸的我很担心 You're laughing, but l'm a concerned father, so l'm like,
老天爷！ ''Oh, my God.''
好了，接下来 All right, now,
大家一起笑，因为我是欢乐老爸 let's Just laugh at something l say, because l'm a funny dad.
你们跟我很亲，觉得我很有趣 You're very close with me, and you think l'm funny, and...
干嘛一直笑？我们有病吗？ Why are we always laughing? ls there something wrong with us?
你们是因为我才开心，来吧 No. You're Just amused by everything l say. So, here we go.
休息一下吧？做点真正有趣的事 Can we take a break? Do something really fun?
不行，我们是来假装有趣的 No, we're not doing anything fun, man. We're here to fake having fun.
看着相机吧 Come on. Right to the camera.
没关系，反正我们跟真爸爸也处不好 Don't worry. We never have fun with our real dad either.
真是的 Oh, man.
这样吧？我教你游泳，好吗？ All right. How's this? l'll teach you how to swim, okay?
反正你妈的水疗还要搞四小时 Before your mother gets back from the ''spa day'' in four hours?
- 这有可能吗？ - 有 -ls that even possible? -Yeah.
可以的话，我们再拍一张照片 But we're gonna take one more picture, if you don't mind.
拍两张好了 Make that two pictures.
玛姬 Maggie.
把这个丢向空中，演像一点 Throw this straight in the air. Make it look like...
数到三，一、 二、 三 On the count of three, one, two, three.
好了 Okay.
麦可，躺下 Now, Michael, lay down.
趴着，然后... On your back. And...
对，滚过去，夹紧这根 Yeah, all the way over. See if you can clench this.
一脸痛苦的样子 Now look like you're in pain.
我同学花了一个暑假才学会游泳 lt took my friend a whole summer to learn how to swim.
你要怎么这么快就教会我？ How're you gonna teach me so quick?
我要用我爷爷教我的方法 l'm gonna do it the same way my grandfather taught me.
放心啦，爷爷花了八小时教会我们 超恐怖的 Don't worry. lt took Grandpa eight hours to teach us. lt was a nightmare.
现在有我们两个，我们也没喝酒 你不会有事的 But there's two of us here now, and we're sober. You're gonna be fine.
你表现的很好，他表现的很好吧？ All right. You're doing great.
是不错 -ls he doing great? -He's doing great.
开始进阶了，你游到艾迪叔叔那里 Okay. We want to advance a little, though. l need you to swim to Uncle Eddie.
一口气游到，就给你海豚饼干 lf you get there without touching the bottom, we'll give you a dolphin cookie.
你爷爷也给你们饼干？ ls that what your grandpa gave you?
不，爷爷给我们海尼根 No, Grandpa gave us something he'd call a Heineken.
- 我也要那个 - 不行，海豚饼干就好 -l want one of those. -No. Stick with the dolphin cookie.
是啊，至少扔到头不会痛 Yeah. They hurt less when they get thrown at your head.
爷爷真是疯子 God, he was a sick man.
好了，准备好了？别想太多 努力，踢、 踢 Yeah. Okay? Are we ready? Don't think about it. Commit. Kick, kick.
- 来吃饼干 - 踢脚啊 -Get the cookie. -Move your feet.
踢、 踢 Kick, kick!
快到了！ 快来吃！ 成功了！ Right there! Reach for it! You got it!
漂亮！ Doing good, buddy!
吃吧！ There you go!
真是太赞了 My boy! That was terrific, buddy.
快吃饼干，我们要继续了 Have your cookie. We're gonna move on, though.
小黛？ Hey, Devlin?
小黛？ -Devlin?
什么？ -Yeah?
丹尼下礼拜生日 我不知道该送什么给他 So, Danny's birthday is next week, and l have no idea what to get him.
别买领带送他 Well, don't get him a tie.
他有一百条，却从来都不打 He has 100 of them and he never wears them.
我明白了 That's good to know.
他喜欢在车上听有声书 He loves books on tape for his car.
钓鱼用具 Fishing gear.
他喜欢，不过根本不用 Loves it. Doesn't use it.
他钓到鱼根本不会处理 所以只是收藏而已 Can't take the fish off of the hook once he catches it, so he Just collects it.
他爱软糖，那是他的最爱 He loves candy. Jelly Bellies. Loves them, his favorite.
不过他只爱棉花糖和奶油花生口味 But he only likes the Cotton Candy and the Peanut Butter.
所以你要买一大袋综合口味的 So you have to buy the bag of the Jelly Bellies,
把棉花糖和奶油花生口味挑出来 separate the Cotton Candy and the Peanut Butter and put them into a little...
放进我在网路上买来的小夹链袋 lt's a kind of Ziploc baggies that l got online.
你好了解他 You know so much about him.
是啊 Yeah.
我认识他很久了 l've known the guy forever.
音乐，他喜欢音乐 Music. Loves music.
不过95年以后的他不听 But anything after '95, don't bother. You'll lose him.
我那一年才刚当完女童军 That's when l finished my Girl Scouts.
饼干还剩多少？ All right. How many cookies do we got left?
大概40片 Maybe about forty!
40片饼干游40尺，如何？ What do you think, 40 feet for 40 cookies?
你行吗？要不要休息一下？ Can you handle that? You need a little rest?
来吧 Let's do this.
真的？他准备好要大显身手了！ Really? Okay, he's ready! He's ready to rock!
还差一点 Almost.
什么？不会吧 What? No.
各位观众，他拿下浮球了 Oh, my! Ladies and gentlemen, off come the floaties!
他认真了！ This is getting serious!
你确定要这样？ Are you sure about this, Michael?
- 对 - 好耶 -Hell, yeah. -All right.
不管怎样，你都是一条汉子 No matter what, you're a good man, okay?
用力踢脚，我就在你旁边 Keep kicking. l'm here if you need me.
没问题的 You got this.
- 去吧！ - 加油，麦可 -Go! -Go, Michael!
加油！ 呼吸！ -Go! Breathe! -Yeah!
- 用力踢！ - 加油！ -Kick it! -Go!
- 手要动 - 好耶！ -Move your arms! -Yeah!
他没戴浮球 He doesn't have floaties on!
老天爷！ Oh, my God!
来拿饼干！ Get the cookies!
儿子！ 你会成功的！ 再往前一点 Come on, sweetheart! You've got it! A little bit more, little bit more.
游！ 快游！ -Swim! Swim! -Oh, my God!
再往前一点！ -Come on! -Just a little bit more!
继续游，麦可！ 别放弃！ Keep going, Michael! Don't give up!
非常好 Very nice!
真是我的好孩子！ That's my boy! Yeah, buddy!
我会了！ 我会游了！ l did it! l did it!
谢谢你！ Thank you!
不，是你自己办到的 No way, that was you, buddy.
真是太赞了，干的好！ That was awesome. Way to go!
你们在看什么？ What are we looking at?
天哪，小黛 Jeez. Oh, God. Devlin.
小黛，妈呀，你偷溜到我身边 Devlin. Oh, God. You snuck up on me.
- 我有吗？ - 有 -Did l? -Yes.
你很容易吓到？这是更年期征兆 Do you startle easily? That's a sign of menopause.
小黛？ Devlin?
帕玛，这位是小黛 Palmer Dodge, this is Devlin.
她和我是大学同学 She and l went to college together.
啊罗哈，帕玛 -This is Palmer Dodge. -Aloha, Palmer.
她是你女儿？ ls this your daughter?
不是，我是女朋友 No, no, no. l'm actually the girlfriend.
谁的女朋友？ Whose girlfriend?
是的，嗨 Yes, hi.
我是杜夫，欢迎，你好美 l am the Dolph. willkommen. And you're very beautiful.
我已婚，承蒙称赞，谢了，丹尼呢？ Married, flattered. Thanks. Where's Danny?
丹尼在水里教我们小儿子游泳 Danny is in the water teaching our little boy how to swim.
医师！ Hi, Doctor!
他人很好 He was so sweet.
真疯狂，我从来没遇过 You know what's so crazy is that l have never met anybody
有人叫小黛的 with the first name Devlin before.
而现在，你叫小黛，还有... You know, and here you are, and your name's Devlin and...
鲨鱼来袭！ Shark attack!
我们在玩泳池橄橄球，我领先 We are playing Bavarian pool rugby and now l'm in the lead.
拜！ Okay, bye!
她想赢我，但她赢不了 She's trying to beat me, but she won't.
我赢定了！ No one can!
超好玩的 This is fun!
对了，我们今晚有空 Anyway, something's opened up in our schedule tonight.
你跟丹尼来一起吃晚餐吧 So, we were wondering if you and Danny were good to go for dinner.
海洋餐厅，七点 -Oceano's. Seven o'clock.
不行 -No...
你别想！ 她好像大白鲨！ Oh, no, you don't! She's like a shark. Come on.
今晚不行？你们在吵架？ ls it a bad night? Are you two fighting?
没有，我们没吵架 我们很快乐，我们很好 No! We're not fighting. No, we Just, we're delighting. We're Just fine.
好，就今晚吧，太好了 No, that's great. Tonight's gonna happen. Yeah, perfect.
太好了，晚上见啰！ -Perfect. Anyway, see you tonight!
好，小黛 -Okay, Devlin.
天哪，杜夫，给她呼吸啦！ Oh, my God! Dolph, let her breathe!
好 Yes, l...
- 杜夫！ - 怎样？ -Dolph! -What?
你干嘛？ What was that?
你在水里... l was... Were you under...
我不懂，你干嘛答应？ l don't understand. Why would you say yes?
我不知道啦，我就是没说不嘛 Because l didn't know, l didn't say no.
我不要离开，我要怎么跟帕玛说？ l'm not leaving here. What would l tell Palmer?
怎么了，甜心？ What's going on, sweetie?
今天，杜夫把我推进泳池 那很怪，对吧？ So, today, you know, with Dolph pushing me in the pool. lt was weird, right?
他是牧羊人，那种人都这样的 No, no, no. He's a sheepherder. That's what those guys do, you know?
他们很爱乱闹 这算是一种接纳仪式 They do a lot of horseplay and that's kind of initiation time for you.
你现在是一家人了 You're in the gang, l think.
好吧 Okay. Yeah.
我是计划今天晚上 Well, l was thinking for tonight,
我们可以共度一段甜蜜时光 maybe we could have a little me and you time?
我去拿我的小鸭鸭，待会见 l'll get my rubber duck and see you in a sec.
我今晚不行 Yeah, no, l'm not doing this tonight.
今晚是我和她的春宵之夜 lt's like my first night alone with the girl.
我只求你帮我一次 All l'm asking you is one favor!
就跟我去吃这顿晚饭 Just get this one dinner with me
好让我在这恐怖女人面前保留颜面 so l can save face with this horrible, heinous human being.
我怎么跟帕玛说？ What am l gonna tell Palmer?
叫她听电话 Would you Just put her on the phone?
天哪 Oh, God.
她不是在听超级男孩吧？ Tell me she is not listening to 'N Sync.
不是，是电梯里传来的 No, no, no. lt's coming from the elevator.
Hey!
丹尼，那是我最爱的一首 Danny, that is my Jam.
有人要跟你讲电话 Someone on the phone for you.
- 我不知道是谁 - 好吧 -I don't know who. -Okay.
喂？ Hello?
这是怎样？ What is that?
- 是帕玛 - 所以咧？ -lt's Palmer. -So?
我要你听电话，约她出去 l need you to get on the phone. l need you to ask her out.
我要你带她远离饭店一整晚 l need you to take her as far away from the hotel for the entire night.
帮我这个忙好吗？ Would you please Just do this for me?
不要，我吃饱了，我只想休息 No, l'm already eating. l Just wanna hang out.
- 拜托，我需要你 - 你干嘛？不要 -Seriously, l need you. -What are you doing? No.
妈呀 My gosh.
- 快接 - 好啦 -Take it. -All right.
我是杜夫 Go for Dolph.
是杜夫 lt's Dolph.
我有个主意 Okay, I got an idea.
就你跟我 我们今晚一起吃饭？ How about you and me, we go and get the dinner tonight?
共进晚餐？ To Supper?
今晚？ Tonight?
对，我们要熟悉彼此 我认为这对孩子们很重要 Yes, and we get to know each other, because l think it's important for the kids
让他们觉得我们相处和睦 to have good symmetry in the family unit.
等等，我问问丹尼 Yeah, hang on. Let me check with Danny.
杜夫想今晚一起吃晚餐 Dolph wants to do dinner tonight.
不行、 不行... No. No, no, no.
好吧，跟他说好 All right, tell him yeah.
好，可以 Yeah, that's fine.
太好了，谢谢你 Awesome. Thank you so much.
我要跟她说些什么？ What am l supposed to say to her all night?
你就用那口欧洲口音胡说八道 You spout crazy nonsense for hours in Eurotrashenese.
随便你，不过要把她带远一点 Just do it, but Just do it far away from the hotel.
好，我就这么做 要是我表现好，能跟你一起睡吗？ Okay, fine, l'll do it, but if l do good, can l sleep in the bed with you?
不行，你已经有自己的房间了 No. Why? You've got a great private room.
是吗？我们在那帕谷时 Really? Because when we were in the Napa Valley,
他们说那一年的梅洛红酒并不好 they said that wasn't a good time of year for Merlot.
那维瑞特卡本内呢？ How about the Verite Cabernet?
卡本内葡萄味不是很重？ 我喜欢葡萄味，可是不能太重 lsn't Cabernet really grapey? l mean, l like grapey, but not overly grapey.
你看过串供卡了？ Did you go over the index cards?
大概看过了 l glanced at them, yes.
大概看过？ You glanced at them?
我没念什么书就从医学院毕业了 放心啦 l graduated med school without reading a book. Just relax.
拿最贵的那瓶酒过来 应该就够好了 Just give us the most expensive bottle you have and it'll probably be good enough.
太好了 Perfect!
看看我们，凯瑟琳 Look at us, Katherine.
我们都嫁的很幸福 Both so happily married. l mean...
你相信吗？ Can you believe it?
一切就像美梦成真，对吧？ Everything l always hoped for, right, Yogi?
小乖乖 Boo-Boo.
- 我的瑜伽熊 - 我的小乖乖 -My Yogi Bear. -My Boo-Boo.
永远都不够 Never enough.
我想他们嗑了你的黄色小药丸
希望他们的鼻子有洗干净
等一下 Hold on a second.
我喜欢你的味道 l love the way you smell.
小黛的味道好好闻 Nothing smells as good as Devlin.
小黛的味道最香了 Smelling Devlin, always a good thing.
我们要在这里吃饭？ This is really where we're eating?
对，饭店说这里很赞，也很遥远 Oh, yes. No, the hotel says it's amazing und very far away.
对，很赞 Yeah, it's good.
我要那辆车，我用两只鸡跟你换 l want that car. l'll give you two chickens for it.
两只鸡，你真好心 Two chickens, that's very nice of you, but...
不要怕 Don't be scared.
我们是来吃晚饭的 还有，那辆车值大约一万只鸡 We're Just here for dinner. Also, this car's worth about 10,000 chickens.
不要靠着我倒酒 Don't pour over me.
不要靠着我 Don't pour over me.
我把杯子拿给你 l'll bring my glass to you.
丹尼，你是整型医师 So, Danny, you're a plastic surgeon.
对 Yes.
这对你很方便嘛，凯瑟琳 Very convenient for you, Katherine.
这女人没动过手脚，纯天然美女 No, this girl's had nothing done. She's Just a natural beauty.
- 她如假包换 - 亲爱的 -She really is. -Sweetie.
我呢？你会想帮我修哪里？ What about me? What would you do to fix me?
专业建议？ Professionally speaking?
没有，你没得整 Nothing. l wouldn't do a thing to you.
没得整？ Nothing?
你真贴心 You're too sweet.
你手臂脂肪抽太多了 不过穿长袖就好了 They already took too much fat out of your arms, but that's what sleeves are for.
你们是在哪里认识的？ So, where did you two meet?
在一场演唱会上 We Just, we met at a concert.
- 史汀 - 对 -Sting. -Yeah.
串供卡的现场演唱会 Live at the lndex Card.
是一场拯救雨林的慈善演唱会 lt was a benefit for the rainforest.
有人打电话给你 我想是“天魔”里的恶魔 Someone's on the phone for you. l think it's the guy from The Omen.
我是 Go for the iMan.
等一下 Hold on a second.
我能在你说话之前先说句话吗？ Can l say something before you say what you're gonna say?
看到发明的人接 Seeing the man who invented the iPod, on the iPhone,
然后说“我是” -saying, ''Go for the iMan...''
是啊 -Yeah.
就好像亲眼看到麦当劳叔叔 ...that was like watching Ronald McDonald
在吃麦当劳汉堡一样 eat a cheeseburger off the Grimace.
- 我说真的，这真是太赞了 - 真的 -l'm serious. That was serious stuff. -lt's so true.
就好像看到死亡医师终结自己一样 That, to me, was like watching Dr. Kevorkian kill himself.
不是吧 Oh, no.
很抱歉 是我基金会打来的，我要接一下 l'm sorry. This is one of my foundations. l've gotta take this.
你的美德、 你的智慧、 你的热情 Your virtue, your intelligence, your passion.
你的美、 你的魄力 还有你的女人味 Your beauty, your drive, and your womanhood.
这是我们分别时会做的事 lt's something we do whenever the other leaves.
我们说出彼此最爱慕的特点 We say what we love most about the other.
- 真是太好了 - 很有意义，我喜欢 -That's really nice. -That's big. l like that.
你们该试试 You guys should try it.
- 是啊 - 我们等会再试 -Yes, we should. -We should. We'll try that later.
- 我们得试试 - 不是每个人都做得到的 -We have to. -Not everyone can do it.
我们现在就做 We'll do it now.
- 马上来 - 好吧 -Right now. -Okay.
所以，我身无分文 只好去街上卖身上的衣服 So, broke and penniless, l took to the streets to sell my wares.
说是衣服，其实是肉体 And by wares, l mean my body.
而肉体，就是指我的小老弟 And by body, l mean my schnitzel.
救命！ 这里有兽医吗？ Help! ls there a veterinarian in the house?
我的宠物羊昏倒，它没呼吸了 My pet sheep, he passed out. He's not breathing!
我不知道它是怎么了 l don't know what's wrong with him!
他！ 他！ 他不是兽医，不过他是卖羊的 Him! Him! He's not a vet, but he sells sheep for a living.
我，对啊 Oh, me, yes.
我是，没错，我卖羊 l do, yes. l am that.
请跟我来 Please come this way!
- 现在？ - 对！ -Now? -Yes!
这边、 这边 这是啥？ -This way, this way! -What is this?
这是真的羊吗？ ls that a real sheep?
好吧 Okay.
好 Yes...
哈啰 Hello...
怎样？ Yes?
依我专业的判断 Yes, in my expert opinion,
那头羊葛屁了 that sheep is dead.
我很遗憾 l'm very sorry.
来去吃饭吧，没啥好看的，走了 Let's go eat. Okay, show's over. Let's go.
它还活着！ 请你救救它！ He's still alive! Please, you have to do something!
这下挫赛了 Oh, shit on me.
你们看着彼此的眼睛 然后说出你最爱对方的特点 You look each other in the eyes and you say what you love about the other.
不能直接说吗？一定要盯着看？ We can't Just say it? We gotta look at each other for this thing?
好，我们准备好了 Okay. Yes. We're so ready.
你准备好了？ Are you ready?
说吧 Go ahead.
你先 -You're on.
好 -Okay.
来吧 Come on.
我爱你的幽默感 l love your sense of humor.
真的？ You do?
全都爱？ All of it?
下流的也算在里面 Every dirty bit of it.
我爱你编的故事 l love your stories.
- 故事都很长 - 没关系 -Yes. They can go long, but... -lt's okay.
- 我试着说的有趣点 - 全都很有趣 -...l try to finish strong. -Always entertaining.
我爱你 And l love that you...
真的看了串供卡 Love that you read the index cards.
当然 Of course.
我也爱你暗地里 And l love that you secretly
有着一副好心肝 have a huge heart,
充满了体贴 and it's Just filled with kindness
和谦卑 and humility.
还充满了血？ And blood?
我相信一定有 l'm sure there's blood.
我不知道，我... l don't know, l...
我觉得你真的是个好人 我也很喜欢 l Just think you're a really nice person and l really like...
我真的很爱与你共度每一刻 l really love spending time with you.
说的很不错，好，游戏结束 That's good enough for me right there. Yeah, game over.
丹尼？ Danny?
游戏又开始了？ Game back on? We gotta...
我一开始想说 Well, l'd like to start off by saying
我最爱你整了牙齿 that l love the most that you fixed your teeth.
我就知道 Why did l know that...
它们原来很丑，我同意 They were horrible, l agree.
不是啦 No, no.
知道我爱什么吗？ You know what l love?
你为大家做了那么多事 却从不奢求回报 How you Just do everything for everybody else and you never expect anything back.
事实上，我向你说谢谢的时候 你是有听到还是没听到？ ln fact, when l say thank you, l don't know, do you hear that or not?
真可爱 lt's cute.
我还爱... And l love...
我就是爱... l Just love...
我这辈子只有对你没扯过谎 You're the only person l've never lied to in my life.
我向上天发誓 l swear to God.
这世界上我最信任你 l Just trust you more than anybody in the world.
你知道我每一个秘密 You know every secret about me.
我爱你的笑容 l love your smile.
那笑容真是神奇 That smile is the magic.
我在手术室时，脑子里只会想 When l'm in the operating room all l think about is,
再20分钟，我就能看到那个笑容 ''All right, 20 more minutes, l get to see the smile.''
那就像... lt's Just like...
那笑容开启我的一天 lt starts my day, that smile.
我大学连续三年蝉联微笑女王，对吧？ l won best smile at our sorority three years straight, right, Katherine?
有暴牙是不行的 Not little Bucky here.
好了，来吧！ 嗨！ Okay, here we go! Hi, yes!
我们要跳羊咩咩之舞 我们要活下去，跳更多 We do the sheep dance, right? We want to live and dance more, yes.
好吧，来，吃点食物 来，吃啰 Okay, all right. Here we go. Eat some food. Eat the food. Come on, here we go.
再来一点别的 Couple more zings.
挤奶，它有奶哦 你很爱的，你给宝宝喝奶 Make the milk. Yes, he makes the milk. You love it. You give milk to the baby.
好了 All right.
一、 二、 三，来吧！ One, two, three, here we go!
呼吸啊！ Come on!
我还有几招可以用！ We got a couple things that l know how to do!
这招很好用，有何不可？ Yes, this is a good test, so why not?
好吧 All right. Here we go.
你害死它了！ You're killing him!
羊还活着！ 还活着！ The sheep lives! The sheep lives!
来，再来一次，好耶！ Yes! Here we go, one more time. Here we go. Yes!
我就爱这招，看到了吧，好耶！ This is what l did. You saw this. Yes!
欢迎，我是派屈克 Welcome. l am Tanner Patrick, Jr.
颇具传奇的海洋呼拉赛即将开始 We're ready for the legendary Oceano's Hula Competition.
传奇？听都没听过 Legendary? Never heard of it!
你没喝醉才是传奇 Legendary like the day you were once sober. So...
她耍完嘴皮，有没有胆 She talks the talk, who will walk the walk
跟我一起到女士更衣间？ and walk with me to the Ladies' Lounge? Feeling it...
我想你该参加 l think you should do it, Devlin.
因为她会赢 Because she would win.
我要参加 -l'll do it!
好耶！ -Good show!
凯瑟琳？ Katherine?
你呢？ How about you?
凯瑟琳不行啦，对吧？ Come on, this isn't Katherine's thing. Right, Katherine?
不行，我不行 No, no, not my...
这是她的强项，我不行 Her speed. Not mine.
有些人当配角比较自在 你别批判她了 Some people are Just more comfortable on the sidelines, so don't Judge her, honey.
你的率直、 无畏和搔痒点 Your honesty, your fearlessness, and your tickle spot.
你的创意、 勇敢和焦糖奶头 Your creativity, your bravery, and your taffy nipples.
来吧！ 我要怎么赢比赛？ Let's go! How do l win this thing?
我要参加这个呼拉比赛 l'm gonna do this hula thing.
别觉得有压力 Don't feel any pressure, Katherine.
该觉得有压力的不是我 l'm not the one who should feel the pressure.
各位，请欢迎今晚的呼拉女郎 Ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome for tonight's hula girls.
这些是参赛者，重点在於 These are my stars. And here's the key,
由您决定她们今晚有多亮眼 you decide how brightly they shine tonight.
各位观众，你们是评审团 我喜欢眼前的景象 You the audience, Judge and Jury. l like what l see.
这是我的呼拉大赛 This is my hula palooza.
你们是评审 选出你们最爱的呼拉女郎 You're the Judges. You're voting for your favorite hula girl.
这一位如何？ How about we do one over here?
能不能给这位一点反应？ Can l get a little something-something up here in the corner?
今晚在场的人都没良心啊？ Has anybody got a conscience here tonight?
你跳的很好，跳的很好 Come on, you did well. You did well.
这很困难 lt's tough.
这位呢？喜欢吗？ What do l got over here? Anybody?
你觉得那家伙有多高？ How tall do you think that guy is?
主持人吗？我不知道 Who? The Tanner guy? l don't know.
看起来满高的，我敢说他有190 Yeah, that Tanner. Looks pretty tall, l'd say he's like 6'3''.
不知道耶 Yeah, l don't know.
给我一点热情的反应吧？ Can l get a positive reaction?
谢谢 Thank you.
这位呢？让她快乐一点吧 How about this little girl? Let's make her night.
怎么样？ How about it?
我喜欢，继续保持热情 在角落舞动的大奶妈呢？ l like it. Keep the moJo going. How about Big Country in the corner?
有没有 Do l got...
很抱歉 Sorry.
这是假比赛 This is fixed!
高个子幸运躲开厄运 Tall fellow is lucky to get away.
节奏加快吧，各位 Let's pick up the tempo, boys.
这是怎样？ What? What is that?
这快好多 Okay. This is a lot faster.
太棒了！ Fabulous!
好耶，宝贝！ Yeah, baby!
什么？ What?
来吧 Come on.
今晚的比赛相当精彩 Nobody got cheated here tonight.
台上站着两位最火辣的美女 These are two of the hottest chicks we have ever had up here.
不过我们的任务还没结束 我需要你们帮忙，挑出一位赢家 But our Job is not done. l need your help, because l need a winner.
让我听听看 Let me hear you.
美呆了！ Beautiful!
要击败这位看来是很困难 事实胜於雄辩 Wow, that is gonna be tough to beat. Let's not kid anybody.
这位呢？ How about over here?
这就是了，比赛结果是... There you have it. We have ourselves...
那是我的小乖乖 That's my Boo-Boo!
平手！ 比赛结果是平手 A tie! We have ourselves a tie.
太好了，我们都赢了 That's great. We both win. Good...
决胜比什么？ What's the tiebreaker?
在这里平手就要比这个 This is how we settle ties in my house.
我称之为椰子之吻 lt's something l like to call Coconut Smoochie.
比赛的规则是 椰子放在两人中间 The obJect of the game is, the coconut is in their midsections.
不用手，把椰子移动到嘴上 lt must move all the way up to their mouths without the use of their hands.
专心、 专心 Focus, focus.
只要碰到椰子就失去资格 lf you touch the coconut, you are disqualified.
准备好了？ 一、 二、 三，移动椰子 Okay. Ready? One, two, three, get coconutty!
好，慢慢来 Okay. Slow.
好了，冷静一点 Okay, all right. Calm down, calm down.
- 让我把它弄上去给你 - 好，快点 -Let me Just bring it up to you. -Okay, do it.
快弄上来，快点 Get it up there. Come on.
用你的椰子顶着我 Bring your coconuts down to me.
好，我的椰子 Okay. Oh, my coconuts.
- 弄上去，好 - 我动作好慢 -Pull up. All right. -l'm so low.
挤你胸前的椰子，快挤 Squeeze your coconuts. Squeeze them.
运用身上所有的缝隙，别怕 Use every crevice you can. Don't be afraid.
- 我弄不上去 - 我在想办法 -l can't get it up here. -l'm trying.
你闭嘴好吗？ Would you be quiet?
- 不要动 - 等等 -Stay there. -Wait.
- 好，很好 - 很好吗？ -Okay, that's good. -ls that good?
很抱歉这么做 Sorry about this, by the way.
真的？你很抱歉？ Really? You're really sorry about this?
没有，我喜欢 No, l'm not. l like it.
好耶！ Yeah!
捡起来！ 不能用手，笨蛋！ Pick it up, pick it up! Not with your hands, you buffoon!
快点！ Come on!
- 你看他！ - 怎么了？ -Look what he's doing! -What happened?
我看不到 l can't see.
专心，慢慢来 Focus. Take it slow, take it slow.
他夹到了！ He's got it!
不公平，他不能那样做 That's not fair. He can't do that.
不，这样并没有犯规 No, that's a clean pick-up right there.
Okay. Bring it over here.
快！ 快！ 快！ Go! Go! Go!
我接住了 l got it.
还有时间，加油 There's still time. Let's go.
你们可以彼此触碰，但不能碰椰子 You can touch each other, you cannot touch the coconut.
等等 Hang on, hang on.
- 怎么回事？ - 这是什么？你搽了什么？ -What's going on? -What is that? What do you use?
干嘛停住？ -What's the hold-up?
你还搽那瓶香水？ -You still got that perfume on, huh?
别闹了！ -Would you stop it?
真香，来吧 -Smells good. Come on, let's go.
你嘴巴接到没？ Have you got it to your mouth yet, Boo-Boo?
别再把屁股往我脸上凑了 Stop putting your ass in my face.
- 我喜欢 - 你真棒 -l like it. -That's my girl. Okay.
赢家出现了！ 冠军诞生！ We've got a winner! We have a winner! We have a winner.
椰子之吻大赛冠军在此 Coconut Smoochie champions right here.
帅啦 Awesome.
你什么都搞不好！ You suck at everything!
小乖乖 Boo-Boo.
非常好的团队合作，结婚多久了？ Great teamwork, guys. How long have you two been married?
- 八年 - 十年 -Eight years. -Ten years.
- 十年 - 八年 -Ten years. -Eight.
- 很久 - 非常久了 -Very long time. -A very long time.
- 你看到她的表情了？ - 有 -Did you see the look on her face? -Yes. -Did you see the look on her face? -Yes.
你知道我有多开心吗？ Do you understand what Joy that brought me?
你耍椰子时，她脸上的表情咧？ How about the look on her face when you were doing the Juggling, though?
- 那是最精彩的部份 - 那招很赞，你喜欢吗？ -The Juggling was the highlight for me. -That was pretty good. You liked that?
很可爱 lt was so cute.
还有你说她手臂抽脂失败的时候 And when you talked about her arms getting done?
好消息是，她现在一定在海扁男 The good news is she's beating the hell out of the iPod guy right now.
我知道 Right now, l know.
真不错，真好玩 That was good. That was really fun.
我想这是我们第一次 You know what, l think that was the first time that you and l have ever
一起出来，只有我们 gone out, you know, Just us.
我知道，我对山羊胡男感到抱歉 l know. l do. l feel bad for the Soul Patch now.
真的 l do.
现在你跟真正的男人约过会了 Now that you've been out with a real man.
真正的男人是指，会洗澡的男人 And by a real man, l mean a man who showers.
我觉得你好可爱 l think it's so adorable
这么在意这家伙 how obsessed you are with this guy.
我无法想像你们约会的情景 l Just can't picture you guys on a date, you know what l mean?
谁说那是约会来着？ Who said it was a date ever?
是你 -You. -You.
你讲到这个人就很兴奋 You get very excited when you talk to this man.
听着，葛医师的诊所要搬去纽约 Listen, Dr. Gervitz is moving his practice to New York City.
对 Yeah.
布莱恩不会跟着去 Brian is not gonna go with him, and he...
他只是想问我 He's Just been asking me if
我要不要接他的位子 l would want to, you know, replace him.
你要去？ You're going?
没有 No.
你不能这样对我 You can't do that to me.
我只是想看看你的反应 你看看你，根本不能没有我 l Just wanted to see how you'd react. Look at you. You can't live without me.
我要怎样？签哪里？钱怎么付？ ''What do l do? How do l sign it? How do l pay for it?''
才不咧，是你故意让我误会的 No. You kind of played with me a little bit, though.
你大可以早一点告诉我 You could've told me that earlier.
你只是耍我？ 想让我忌妒一下？ You're Just messing with me? Trying to get me a little Jealous, weren't you?
没有，我只是很喜欢耍你 No. l Just was having fun teasing you.
那很好玩啊，怎么？你忌妒吗？ That was fun. Why? Were you Jealous?
没有，拜托，我忌妒？ No. Get outta here. Was l Jealous? No.
你看你，你笑的好开心 你笑什么？ Look at you. You're grinning, you can't stop, what is that smile?
我不知道你有这么多牙齿 l didn't know you had that many teeth.
我知道，我有55颗牙 l know. l got like 55 teeth.
才不咧 No.
所以没事啰？ So there's nothing?
你和他...没事？ You and... There's nothing?
没有爱的感觉？ No love connection?
没有 No.
完全没有 Nothing.
那真是可惜 Well, then, that's a shame.
怎么？ What?
那颗椰子今晚一直卡在中间 That coconut getting in the way tonight.
真可惜，对吧？ That's a shame, don't you think?
- 是啊 - 真是糟糕 -No. -No, that was bad.
那颗椰子，还好有它在 The coconut. You're lucky that coconut was there.
你根本没办法应付的 You couldn't... You wouldn't have been able to handle it.
也许你说的对 Maybe you're right.
你还有什么我不知道的招数吗？ You got more tricks that l don't know about?
我不知道 -l don't know.
好吧 -Okay.
我什么都不知道了 l don't know anything.
妈咪？ -Mommy? -Mommy?
孩子们 Hi, guys!
你们好吗？ Hey! What're you doing?
保母睡着了 -The babysitter fell asleep.
太好了 -Great.
这就像夏威夷版的萝莎嘛 l mean, come on, it's like a Hawaiian Rosa, huh?
- 是吗？ - 天啊 -ls it? -Oh, my God.
睡的还真熟 -Yeah, that's asleep.
你看看 -Look at that.
她睡死了 -Wow. -She's out deep.
好吧，很高兴看到你们 All right. Good to see you guys.
晚安 Good night.
干的好，再演一天就好了 Good Job. One more day of lying, guys.
快演完了，最后阶段 We're almost done. Home stretch.
你要睡了 All right. So, you gotta go to sleep.
对 Yeah.
- 累了？ - 对，晚安 -Tired? -Yes. Good night.
- 今晚很棒 - 干的好 -Okay. That was fun. -Good Job.
- 晚安 - 晚安 -Good night. -Good night.
- 晚安 - 好吧 -Good night. -All right.
好了，丹尼 Okay, Danny.
祝你好运，明早见 Okay, good luck. l'll see you in the morning.
她才睡不着咧 She ain't going to sleep.
哈啰！ Hello!
他在这里，丹尼！ There he is, Danny!
幸会了 lt's nice to meet you.
你要去哪？ -Where were you going?
什么？ -What?
我要去...我本来要去 l was going... l was going to...
你们去哪了？我在找你们 Where were you guys? l was looking for you guys at...
怎样？ 晚餐好吗？ What happened? How was the dinner?
杜夫对一只羊做口对口人工呼吸 Dolph gave mouth-to-mouth to a sheep.
然后我们喝了几杯 Yeah. And then we had a few drinks.
对，它噎到了，我帮它做羊工呼吸 Yes. lt was choking and so l gave him sheep-P-R.
不过它是一头黑羊 But he was the black sheep of the family,
可是它也是白羊，真是乱七八糟 but he was also white, if that makes any sense.
我们谈到这次旅行有多棒 还有你人有多棒 And we've been talking about how amazing this trip has been and how amazing you are.
不开玩笑，这次旅行超赞 Yeah, all Joking aside, it really has been first-class.
要是孩子们和我没有让你太忙 And that, if the kids and l hadn't kept you so busy,
你也许有时间做你一直想做的事 that you might've had the time to do something you've been thinking about doing?
至尊戒？ The one ringy-dingy?
你跟她说了那件事？ Yeah, you told her about that?
我不需要你买戒指给我 l don't need you to get me a ring, Danny.
我们结婚吧，就在这里 Let's Just get married. Right here.
什么？ What now?
有何不可？这是夏威夷 我们明天就结吧 Why not? We're in Hawaii. Let's do it tomorrow.
我们从认识那一刻起就彼此相属 l mean, this has felt special from the moment that we met.
我也看到你跟孩子们相处的样子 And l've seen the way that you are with the kids,
我也一直希望我丈夫是这个样子 and it's exactly the way l always imagined my husband would be.
Oh, man...
我不想等待 l don't wanna wait.
我只想跟你开始我的人生 l Just wanna start my life with you.
Hi!
大家好 Hi, everybody!
杜夫 Dolph.
你在这里，我到处找你 There you are. l have been looking everywhere for you.
找我？ -For me?
对，过来，回房间吧 -Yes. Come here. Come on, let's go.
- 不行，我们不能走 - 什么？ -No way, we can't go. -What?
我的小可爱 My little Oompa Loompa.
丹尼和帕玛 Danny and Palmer,
他们明天要结婚了 they're getting married tomorrow!
什么？ -What?
不是，我是说怎样？ -No, no, l mean, why?
我们要结了，可是你怎么想？ Yeah, we are. But what do you think?
什么叫我怎么想？ What do you mean, what do l think?
我怎么想重要吗？ 我觉得那... l mean, what does it matter what l think?
很棒 l think that's great.
谢了，小黛 Thank you, Devlin.
我真心希望你明天也能在场 l really hope that you can be there tomorrow.
不行 l can't.
前妻在婚礼现场是很触霉头的 lt's really... lt's bad luck for the ex to be at the wedding.
杜夫，走了 Come on, Dolph. Let's go.
去哪？他们在这里啊 Where are we going? They are here.
我们要上床 We gotta have the sweet sex.
- 什么？ - 来啦 -What? -Okay? Come on.
好了 Okay.
恭喜了 Congratulations, though.
我正在一边试婚纱 l'm trying them on as we speak.
我刚买好 l know, but l Just bought them.
有些在我这，我现在试穿的很美 l had some with me and the one l have on is pretty amazing.
麦可！ Michael!
大便啊！ Nincompoop!
臭便便 Nincompoopenschtic!
麦可，你的便便臭死了 Michael, the crap is the stinking...
喂？ -Hello?
你没睡？ -Hey, you up?
对啊，很高兴你打来了 Hi. Yeah. Glad you called.
是吗？ Are you?
我刚刚在查航班 Yeah, l was Just checking flights
让你们的父母明天飞来 for your parentS tomorrow and I found...
不，你不用安排 No, no, no. You don't have to do that.
她父母不会来 她想要低调一点 Her parents aren't coming in and she wants it to be kind of elope-y.
低调 Elope-y.
懂了 Got it.
你们明天要穿的都准备好了？ Okay, so, are you all set for what you need to wear tomorrow?
你觉得这是好主意吗？ Do you think this is a good idea?
什么？婚礼吗？ What? The wedding?
对，婚礼 Yeah, the wedding...
就帕玛这整件事 Just the whole Palmer thing.
我们就是为了她来的，对吧？ Well, that's why we came out here, right?
我想是吧 l guess.
你不觉得这很疯狂？ You don't think it's crazy?
丹尼，你不需要我的许可 Danny, you don't need my permission.
你是大人了 Okay? You're a big boy.
我知道，只是 l know, l Just...
我知道要是我这么做 l know if l do this that...
你我在诊所会变得很怪 Just, things could get weird between you and me at the office, so...
你不用担心那件事 well, you're not gonna have to worry about that.
你要去纽约？ You going to New York?
对 Yeah.
我只是...我是说 I juSt, you know, I mean...
就像我很期待你 As much as l was looking forward to you
重新塑造我的脸 reconstructing my face,
我真的需要有个崭新的开始 l really Just need to start fresh, you know?
你还在吗？ Hello, are you there?
你明白吗？ You underStand?
我想是吧 l guess.
这通电话有太多的不确定了 lt's an awful lot of guessing coming through this phone.
我离过婚，有两个孩子 我没时间徘徊不定 l've been divorced, l have two kids, l don't have time for guessing.
明天是大日子呢，医师 Got a big day tomorrow, Doc, all right?
你何不去睡一下？ So why don't you Just get yourself some sleep?
好了，你无须担心任何事 So that's it. You have nothing else to worry about.
我们安排好花束、 音乐和场地 We have the flowers, the music and the location,
全是夏威夷式，你会喜欢的 which is ha-wowie, by the way, you're gonna love it.
我保证这会是你此生最美好的一天 l promise you it is going to be the most wonderful day of your life, guaranteed.
小黛 -Devlin.
是 -Yeah.
帕玛！ Palmer! l didn't...
你看起来真是... Well, you Just
真是美呆了 look absolutely beautiful.
真的？谢谢你 -Really? Thank you. -Yes.
小黛，我能问你一件事吗？ -Devlin, can l ask you something?
问吧 -'Course.
你还想跟丹尼在一起吗？ Do you still want to be with Danny?
等等，什么？ -Wait. What?
因为我觉得 -Because l think that
他可能还爱着你 he still may be in love with you.
当真？ Really?
你为什么这么说？ Why would you think that?
你在他身旁时，他总是很快乐 He's always glowing when you're around.
你的笑话令他发笑，我却不行 And he laughs at your Jokes. He doesn't laugh at mine.
帕玛，相信我 我和丹尼之间什么都没有 Palmer, trust me, there is nothing between me and Danny.
我们只是 We're Just, you know,
很熟而已 we're familiar.
你是他的梦中情人 And you are the girl for him.
他昨晚也这么对我说 He even told me that last night.
天哪，我真是松了一口气 My God, Devlin, this is such a relief
因为我根本赢不了你 because l could never stand a chance going up against you.
转过身，告诉我合不合身 Turn around. Tell me if this fits.
把衣架放到鼻子上 -Put the hanger up your nose.
停！ -Stop!
抱歉 Excuse me.
- 来了 - 谢谢 -Here you go. -Thank you.
凯瑟琳 Katherine!
- 凯瑟琳 - 小黛 -Katherine! -Oh, Devlin.
- 昨晚真的好好玩 - 是啊 -That was so much fun last night. -l know.
我还在想你是怎么作弊的 l am still trying to work out how you cheated.
我没有，比赛是公平的 l didn't. That's what happened.
丹尼人呢？ So, where's Danny?
小黛 Devlin...
丹尼在举行他的婚礼 Danny's at his wedding.
什么？ Come again?
我从来没跟他结过婚 l was never married to him.
那是我编的一个大谎言 All a big lie that l made up.
为什么？ Why?
想到你知道真相我就无法忍受 'Cause l couldn't stand the thought of you knowing the truth.
真的？ Really?
对，我是单亲妈妈 So, yeah, l'm a single mother.
我有两个我最宝贝的孩子 l have two kids that l love more than anything in the world.
我开本田车 l drive a Honda.
还在用拨接上网 Still have dial-up internet.
我学业成绩低空飞过，并不突出 l got a 2.7 GPA in college, not a 3.4.
要说就一次说清楚 And while l'm at it telling the truth,
我还把我孩子的便便用你命名 l named my kids' poop after you.
我是丹尼的员工 我是他助理，就这样 And l work for Danny. l'm his assistant. That's it.
真的，这我绝对猜不到 Really, l would never have guessed this.
你们两个默契很好啊 l mean, you two had a real connection.
他很棒 He's great.
他是很棒的人 He's the greatest guy.
我甚至爱上他了 And l might even be in love with him, but,
不过现在这不重要了 that doesn't really matter at this moment
因为他现在正要娶别的女人 because he is getting married to another person right now.
伊恩和我离婚了 lan and l are breaking up.
什么？ What?
怎么了？ What happened?
首先，他是同志 Well, for starters, he's gay.
他是同志？ -He's gay?
你看看他吧 -l mean, look at him.
真强壮的肌肉 That's a strong muscle right there.
我很用力压了 l'm squeezing.
小黛，我得说 昨晚屁股夹椰子那招 Devlin, l gotta tell you, last night, with the ass grab of the coconut,
就已经说明一切了 little bit of a red flag.
我还看过他夹肥皂咧 l've seen him do that with the soap.
那是怎么回事？ What about the iPod?
他根本啥都没发明 -He didn't invent shit.
没发明？ -He didn't?
没有，他被界外球打到后 告道奇队赢了一笔钱 No! He made his money suing the Dodgers after he got hit by a foul ball.
天哪，这真是... Oh, God! That's so... What?
这真是完全不一样 Well, this is different.
我们之前为什么不试试说实话？ Yeah, why didn't we try this truth-telling thing before?
我不知道 l don't know.
-Hey. -Hey.
怎么了？ -What?
真不错 -That's nice.
说实话很好，非常好 lt's nice to tell the truth. That's good.
实话很有趣，对不？ The truth is fun, isn't it?
你刚刚是说你也许爱上我了？ Like, were you telling the truth when you said you might be in love with me?
- 我让你们两个谈吧 - 好吧 -l'm gonna leave you two. -Okay.
- 我要去离婚了 - 祝好运 -l'm gonna go get a divorce. -Good luck.
等等，我的孩子呢？ Wait, where are my kids?
帕玛带他们去吃冰淇淋了 Palmer took them out for ice cream.
婚礼如何？ So, how was the wedding?
好吧 Okay. All right.
我们站在美丽的悬崖上 So, we're standing on top of this beautiful cliff.
我开始看着太平洋 l start looking out into the Pacific, and l think to myself,
我心想“哇” “我要开始我的人生了” ''Wow. l am about to start my life
“跟我所爱的人一起” ''with the one l love.''
唯一的问题是 And the only problem was,
我爱的人并不在我身边 the one l love was not with me.
不在？ -She wasn't?
她不在 -She was not.
所以你没有？ So you didn't?
我没办法 -l couldn't.
你没办法 -You couldn't.
我们难道没什么别的感觉吗？ l mean, don't we have something extra happening with us?
丹尼，我... Danny, l...
等我们不再假扮演戏 What happens when we're not on fake-cation
而你却发现这是真的呢？ and you wake up and realize this is real?
你是我人生中唯一真实的 You are the only real thing l've ever had in my life.
丹尼，拜托 Danny, come on, man. l don't...
她美丽又...我可不是23岁 She's beautiful and she's... l'm not twenty-three.
我没那么年轻 l'm not that.
她很棒，她很好 唯一的问题是，她不是你 She's good, she's very nice, there's only one problem. She's not you.
她不是你 She's not you.
我有两个孩子 l have two kids.
我不能把他们直接扔下悬崖 l can't Just drive them off a cliff. You know?
我爱他们胜过任何事物 l love those kids more than anything in the world, Guv'nor.
我想一天23小时陪他们 No, l wanna be with those guys like 23 hours a day.
那剩下的一小时呢？ What about the other hour?
干的好！ Good Job!
我就说嘛 -That's what l'm talking about.
随便啦！ -Whatever!
一切如大家的意 well, everything turned out pretty good for everybody.
小家伙跟海豚游了泳 Squirt got to Swim with the dolphinS.
帕玛在回去的班机上 认识一位同龄的网球选手 Palmer met Some tenniS player her own age on the plane ride home,
他比她更迷“超级男孩” who'S an even bigger fan of 'N Sync.
玛姬也即将开始上三周的戏剧课 And Maggie'S about to Start a three-week acting claSS
老师正是杜夫朗格林本尊 with the actual Dolph Lundgren.
至於我呢？ And what happened for me?
我终於戴上真正的婚戒了 well, I'm finally wearing my wedding ring for real.
现在有女人问我婚戒的事 And now when women aSk me about it,
我就会说 我娶了一位不会打我 I'm gonna tell them I'm married to a woman who doeSn't beat me,
不骗我 doeSn't cheat on me,
不喝酒，没喝那么多啦 doeSn't drink... well, doeSn't drink that much.
也是我愿厮守终身的女人 And who I'm gonna Spend the reSt of my life with.
这个女人叫凯瑟琳 A woman named Katherine.
马戈毕医师，想跟你老婆跳舞吗？ Would you like to dance with your wife, Doctor Maccabee?
好的，马戈毕太太 Yes, l would, Mrs. Maccabee.
很好 Yeah, it's okay.
再来一张 One more.
你说的对，山羊胡真的很会弹贝斯 You were right, Soul Patch is going hard on that bass.
我就说吧 What did l tell you?
- 安可，开玩笑的啦 - 别闹了 -Encore, man. l'm Just kidding. -Stop.
我懂，那胡子又长又恶心 l get it. lt is long and it's gross.
不用起风它就会乱飘了 You don't need wind for that thing to swing around.